


Who's That Shadow Holding Me Hostage

by Romancemesomeziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Graphic Designer Zayn, M/M, Soldier Liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-02-27 09:29:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 42,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2687741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romancemesomeziam/pseuds/Romancemesomeziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He remembered spending hours at that same table, drawing until his fingers went numb, warm lips sometimes pressed to his neck as hazelnut kisses were exchanged. Zayn could still hear that mellow sultry voice whispering in his ear, how he worked too hard how he needed to take a break. He also remembered how those breaks often ended in the tiny bathroom meters away, clumsy make out sessions as large hands palmed his ass, grinding against him until he was breathless. </p><p>"Stop," mumbled Zayn to himself as he stripped his soaked coat, hanging it on a vacant hook before taking a seat. Don’t do this yourself, he’s gone. He never came back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> NO ONE DIES, DON'T SEND ME HATE MAIL TELLING ME TO TAG IT A DEATH FIC

It was pouring rain, the water rushing down the street, slashing along as cars sped by, drenching Zayn as he sighed for the hundredth time that morning. The only way to describe this day was as horrible, simply horrendous from start to finish even if it was only 11 am.

Normally Zayn would be the furthest he could from this street, too many reminders in the café he was about to walk in to. But here he was, swinging the door open quickly as he slipped in, drenched hair falling in his face as he shivered from the rain.

The smell off strawberry jam and croissants enveloped him immediately, his stomach lurching as he could still taste the sweetness on his tongue from a kiss that seemed nothing more than a fantasy now. Shaking his head as if it could erase the memories, Zayn stepped further into the small café, dropping his bag on the nearest table.

He remembered spending hours at that same table, drawing until his fingers went numb, warm lips sometimes pressed to his neck as hazelnut kisses were exchanged. Zayn could still hear that mellow sultry voice whispering in his ear, how he worked too hard, how he needed to take a break. He also remembered how those breaks often ended in the tiny bathroom meters away, clumsy make out sessions as large hands palmed his ass, grinding against him until he was breathless.

“Stop," mumbled Zayn to himself as he stripped his soaked coat, hanging it on a vacant hook before taking a seat. _Don’t do this yourself, he’s gone. He never came back._

Most days Zayn could forget his past, could forget the way his heart bled every time he heard a Justin Timberlake song or his eyes blurred with tears when he smelled something similar to sandalwood. In fact, his skin didn’t itch anymore when someone touched him, his mind didn’t stop every time he heard something about the military.

He had learned to keep living, learned to forget that the man he loved left for a war in which he didn’t belong and never came back. The man with a sweet smile and chubby cheeks, sometimes peppered with stubble that tickled along Zayn’s thigh. When he closed his eyes at night, Zayn still felt the man’s presence next to him, wrapped around him.

He hadn’t seen his fiancé in over 2 years and yet, every day Zayn still saw the man everywhere he went. Yes, he had learned to live with it, but it didn’t mean that the man every disappeared from his every thought.

Liam was in the food he bought at the grocery store, too many greens Zayn actually hated and never ate yet still bought out of habit. Liam was in the clothes Zayn chose, wearing the deeper saturated color because that’s what Liam preferred against his skin tone. Liam was in the music Zayn listened to, in the TV shows he watched. Liam was everywhere and yet, he was nowhere.

Perhaps they had been dumb to get engaged after less than a year, but they lived such an isolated life, feeding off each other’s attention and love that it had never felt anything but right. Zayn’s own family lived back in his hometown, a little village somewhere up north that had no opportunities for an aspiring graphic artist like himself. As for Liam, being part of the military meant knowing very few people in town but his fellow corpsman, his family hours away. The fact that Liam wasn’t out also meant that their relationship had been on the down low, kept between the walls of their flat and yet it had never mattered.

They both had preferred to stay home and cuddle when they had the chance to be together, to enjoy movies and chocolate kisses in bed. It had been easier to lock the door of their home and live in their own little bubble, it had been easier that way since they had pretended Liam wouldn’t have to leave at the end of the year.

But their secluded lives never stopped them from making plans for the future; Zayn just about finishing his degree in graphic design when Liam had to leave for his second tour. They had already made all the plans for Liam’s return from the war, the visit to the man’s parents’ house to explain everything, their hearts hopeful that they would be greeted with love.

Yet months passed, time slipped away and after a few weeks of unreturned calls, Zayn knew Liam was not coming back.

Zayn had a name and an address; a certain Harry Styles that lived in Wolverhampton, the same place Liam was from. It was the information Liam had given him before leaving, a touch of lips, a promise of return that never ended up being true. It had taken time, hours of convincing himself that he was ready to face Liam’s untimely death before Zayn made it to the small town on a winter morning, the address leading him to a local bakery.

The minute he had walked in, Zayn knew it had been a mistake. The small bakery had been dimly lit, the smell of fresh bread enveloping him as the doorbell had chimed behind him. He remembered hearing muffled crying that had seemed to come from the back of the store, no one in at the front or at the counter display to greet him. Looking around, his eyes had settled on the chocolate croissants in the display case, fingers itching to buy one but he had known it would be pointless. He could never finish one on his own and Liam wouldn’t be there to eat the rest. Liam would never be there again.

Zayn had seen a small bell by the cash register, ringing it absently as he had looked at the flyers around the store until his eyes had fallen on a dish with spare change in it, Liam’s picture above it. Still to this day Zayn remembered the taste of bile on his tongue, his stomach in knots as he had read the message written in wobbly pen, _please donate to the Payne family._

He remembered how dry his throat had felt, how his hands had started shaking as a boy that seemed so young sprang up to the counter before him, bright green eyes puffy and red as he asked Zayn what he’d like in a lowly voice. Feeling trap, his entire mind shutting down at the realization that it was true, that Liam wasn’t coming home, Zayn had pointed to a chocolate croissant, paying for it and leaving without a word. The minute he had slammed the car door behind him he had crumbled, crying for hours as he desperately clung to the pastry in his hands.

He couldn’t face this Harry Styles, couldn’t bring himself to explain who he was, to remember how Liam made him feel loved and beautiful. After what felt like hours, Zayn drove home numbly and tried to forget.

Since then, Zayn had avoided everything that reminded him directly of Liam, including this coffee shop since it had been one of their main rendezvous points. Today was somehow an exception do to how horrendous Zayn’s day had been going. His car had broken down at the corner of the street, his phone dead to this world as he had forgotten to charge the battery which had made him miss his meeting and mess his presentation boards in the torrential rain.

So Zayn found himself in the familiar cozy shop, seeking the comforts and familiarity that use to bring him so much happiness. He also sought out a warm cup of coffee and a hand dryer he knew could dry his shirt in minutes.

A small waitress came his way after a few seconds, taking his order before he headed to bathroom, stripping his shirt after making sure he was alone. He proceeded to dry the soaked material under the warm air, rubbing the shirt together to accelerate the process. When it was relatively dry, Zayn slipped back into it, sighing at the warm material against his skin, trying to ignore the fact that his jeans were still soaked and that his boots made a sloshing sound every time he took a step.

His coffee was steaming on his table when he came back, the taste bitter on his tongue erasing the memory of the sweetness in the air. Breathing in deeply, Zayn rubbed at his eyes, forcing his headache away as he reached into his bag, flipping through his notebook to make sure most of his drawings were intact.

After confirming the rain hadn’t destroyed a month’s worth of work, Zayn groaned as he sat back, sipping at his coffee as he rolled his shoulders against the strain in his body. Glancing up, he tried to catch the waitress’s attention, hoping for a sandwich to settle his growling stomach but the sight before him had him stumbling, the cup in his hand suddenly falling in his lap.

He felt the burning coffee seep through his already wet jeans, yelping in surprised as he jumped to his feet. But the hand that settled on his shoulder trying to soothe him seconds later burned even more than the coffee. Flinching away, Zayn stood shocked, skin flaming as he looked up at the man, the chocolate brown eyes he’d love for so long looking back at him in worry.

“Liam,” whispered Zayn without thought, trembling fingers reaching out slowly until they were pressed to the man’s cheek.

The worried look on the man’s face turned into something confused as he nodded, offering Zayn a rag for his ruined trousers as he stepped away from the touch.

 “I’m sorry, I’m still learning the regulars’ names,” the man said, giving Zayn a sympathetic smile. “I’m new here.”

Only then did Zayn notice the name tag pinned to the man’s apron, the smiley face next to so heartbreakingly familiar, littering almost every copy of Zayn’s notebooks back home. Yet it was obvious the man before him, his Liam back from the dead had no idea who he was.

Unable to do anything else, Zayn just stood there watching Liam, his mind blank, breath coming out in laboured pants until he felt the tears swell in his eyes. He saw scars littering Liam’s forearms, the dog tags around his neck standing out again his pale skin. His hair was longer than it had been all those years ago, no longer cut down short to the military standards.

“You’re alive,” Zayn finally managed to whisper, more to himself than to the man that looked at him as if he was insane, helping him into his seat with an arched brow. The simple touch to his shoulder had Zayn’s entire body buzzing, the familiarity of it sending shivers down his spin.

“Do I know you?” Liam asked as he pulled away, biting at his bottom lip, eyes scrunched together in the way he did when he was trying to remember something.

“I’m Zayn,” managed to answer Zayn after a minute, trying to swallow the lump in his throat as Liam took a seat in front of him.

“Zayn,” repeated the man as if testing the name on his tongue, looking down at his lap and then back up at Zayn. He seemed to be looking for something, eyes tracing Zayn’s every feature until they settled upon the ring on Zayn’s finger; the engagement ring. Shaking his head, eyes still glued to Zayn’s hands, Liam gave a shrug. “I’m sorry, I don’t know anyone named Zayn.”

Zayn heard the words, saw the man’s lips move and yet nothing registered in his mind, two years of pain flashing before his eyes as he sat, stunned silent.

“Should I remember you?” Liam asked, his hands suddenly fisted across the table, the white skin turning red and angry from force. “Did you know me before?”

Words caught up in his throat, Zayn wiped the back of his hand against his face, catching the unshed tears before making a fool of himself. _I’m a stranger to him,_ Zayn thought as he nodded, gut curling with nausea.

Whatever had happened to Liam seemed to have left severe damage, the man’s head falling in defeat as a sigh stained the air between them.

“Were we friends?” inquired Liam after a minute, running his hand along the back of his neck, a nervous tick he had that Zayn always remembered.

“Not exactly,” Zayn manage to mumble, twirling the ring on his finger unconsciously. He felt his legs shaking under the table, his entire body humming with a nervous aura. It was like his mind couldn’t comprehend that this was real, that the man before him was the Liam he had fallen in love with years ago. He couldn’t believe that this was the man that had held him every night, the man that had kissed his lips every morning, wishing him a good day and that now he couldn’t even remembered Zayn’s existence, couldn’t remember his name. This wasn’t his Liam, and yet it was.

“Can you stay here, like give me an hour and then we can talk?” Liam said when Zayn remained silent, their eyes meeting for a second before Zayn looked away, the sight simply too painful.

Nodding, Zayn watched Liam stand, mumbling a _thank you_ before he stumbled back behind the counter, smiling to his co-worker who seemed worried about him. They seemed to have a small discussion, one that finished with Liam biting furiously at his lip as he turned towards Zayn, before disappearing into the back store.

Heart in his throat, eyes stinging with tears, Zayn kept watching as the saloon doors enveloped the man he loved, leaving him cold and more alone than ever before. His mind still struggled with the idea that Liam was alive and breathing, even more so with the fact that he was right here.

When Liam came back a few seconds later, he offered  Zayn another cup of coffee and a pair of grey joggers. Accepting the items without a word, Zayn stayed in utter shock as Liam smiled at him before turning on his heels, a thoughtful frown on his face as he attended his clients.

It took all the strength Zayn had to enter the bathroom, to take his eyes off Liam. It’s as though he was afraid the minute he could no longer see Liam, the man would disappear once again, leaving him hallow and even more broken than before.

Slipping into the clean joggers quickly, Zayn bundled his trousers, fixing his damp hair in the mirror quickly before stepping back out into the coffee shop, his eyes finding Liam at the counter washing a mug. The soft material against his thighs made him groan, the light familiar smell of Liam still on them making Zayn’s mind swarm. He remembered the scent so well, had craved it for months when Liam’s perfume bottle had ran out a long time ago and the new one never seemed to smell the same.

Settling back into his seat, Zayn sipped quietly at his coffee. He couldn’t stop observing Liam, noticing the same little ticks the man had years ago still repeated now, 2 years later.

Two years of thinking his fiancé was gone, two years of trying to move on, two years of pain and yet here was Liam, living and breathing and even smiling.

_But he can’t remember you_ , the small voice inside Zayn’s head reminded him. _That means he probably has no clue he’s finally been with a man._

Swallowing around yet another lump in his throat, Zayn sighed in frustration, leaning on the table until his face was pressed to the cool wood, the sound of his own heartbeat resonating through his head.

And so he waited for Liam to finish his shift, waited for Liam to explain what had happened; waited for Liam, just like he had been doing for the past two years.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

It took less than an hour for Zayn to fall back in love with Liam just as much as he had been two years ago. It wasn’t very hard considering the fact that Zayn had never really stopped loving Liam, simply tried to forget his own heart in the face of his daily life. But as Zayn watched Liam, the way the man smiled and laughed warmly with clients, his habit of trying to make everything perfect, Zayn knew he was a goner.

Half way through the hour, Liam brought him a sandwich, one Zayn hadn’t ordered but Liam offered easily. Zayn accepted silently, eyes still unable to meet Liam’s own for more than a few seconds.

The first bit had Zayn moaning, the second almost had him in tears. When he opened the poppy seed bread, he saw the herbed chicken filet, seasoned with mayo, tomatoes but no cheese. And to anyone it would seem like nothing but to Zayn it meant the world because he knew full well this sandwich had cheese and mustard in it, two things Zayn hated when joined to tomatoes.

Somehow, Liam remembered, his unconscious mind making Zayn the perfect sandwich. As stupid as it sounded, such a small detail in a universe so vast, the sandwich gave Zayn hope, hope that Liam could remember him.

“Would you mind if we talked at my place?” Liam asked, startling Zayn out of his day dream. The man stood before him with a raincoat on, a long scarf thrown around his neck and an umbrella in hand. “I live on the corner of the street and I really need to go feed my dog.”

It was just like Liam to blindly trust a stranger, to invite them into his home thought Zayn and yet he stumbled at the words, standing up hurriedly in acceptance.

“Loki?” Zayn wondered, remembering the endless nights Liam had talked about buying a dog once he came back from his tour, once they settled into a house in the suburbs.

Liam frowned at the name, head titled to the side as he watched Zayn. It was obvious he was trying to remember, his mind struggling with the blanks that Zayn apparently left him.

“You always wanted a dog,” Zayn tried to explain, shrugging into his coat as he shouldered his bag. “Said you’d name him Loki.”

“How much do you know about me?” challenged Liam, an annoyed scowl on his face.

“A lot,” simply replied Zayn, as the voice in his head echoed _too much._

Thanking Liam with a smile when the man opened the door for him, Zayn quickly fell into step with Liam, grateful for the large umbrella that covered them both.

“It’s the pink building right on the corner,” Liam pointed out as they huddled together, the proximity making Zayn a little dizzy as his step faltered, Liam’s hand on his back steadying him.

It was the building in front of which Zayn had managed to park his car this morning right before it had died on him, refusing to move another inch. Sighing at the irony, Zayn wrapped his arms around himself, trying not to lean into Liam’s side like he use to do when they walked to the movies on rainy nights.

\-------

Walking into Liam’s flat was like walking into his own, the amount of similarities almost freaky as Zayn tried not to gape at the exact batman post hung in Liam’s living room that was hung in his own. He observed the various pictures around the modest flat while Liam graciously made tea, humming to himself like he did when he was nervous.

There was a little dog that nipped at the man’s feet, demanding attention that Liam happily gave. He seemed to pet the dog for a few minutes as if seeking comfort and reassurance before giving it some food and setting back to his hostess duties.

“So,” Liam said as he offered Zayn a cup of tea, sitting across from him in the living room. It was weird to Zayn the amount of distance between them as he was simply too use to Liam right next to him, always touching him.

“We knew each other?”

“We did,” replied Zayn, burying his sadness in the cup of warm tea, the hint of honey and cream another memory that Liam seemed to unconsciously remember from Zayn. “Do you mind me asking what happened? I just don’t understand.” _You never came back. You left me alone. You forgot about me._

“In all honesty, I don’t really remember,” admitted Liam, rubbing a hand down his face before closing his eyes. “It happened while I was on tour, I was part of the military.”

“I know,” Zayn whispered, blinking away the sting in his eyes.

Nodding again, Liam seemed to asses Zayn for a minute, obviously still trying to remember something. “My mate Andy got stuck in an ambush. They say I tried to help him and an explosion went off. Burned Andy pretty bad and knocked me out.”

Zayn sat silent, hands slowly fisting around the grey couch he was seated on, as he listened, trying desperately not to let his emotions show. The thought of Liam caught in an explosion, putting his life in danger for his mate had Zayn’s heart stopping. It was like learning about Liam’s death all over again, but at least this time, Zayn knew Liam survived.

“I woke up in London, or at least that’s the first thing I remember,” continued Liam. “My parents were there and my mate from home, Harry. They brought me back to Wolverhampton when the doctors allowed it but, the memories never came back. I forgot everything after my first tour.”

“Is it permanent?” Zayn found himself asking, feeling the bitter taste of bile on his tongue. If Liam had forgotten everything after his first tour, it meant he remembered absolutely nothing about Zayn. They had meant barely three months later, the day Liam had returned from a vacation in his hometown. But the fact that Liam had been right here in London, made Zayn livid. He might have walked by the hospital not knowing his fiancé was there, still thinking the man was dead. He had continued living mindlessly without Liam when he could have been with the man for years, helping him.

His strong shoulders falling into a frustrated shrug, Liam sipped his tea again, clearing his throat. “At first they thought it was just the shock, hit to the head you know? But the more time past, the more they figured it was mostly permanent.”

“I’m sorry,” Zayn breathed, gut tightening as he watched Liam’s hands ball together before his fingers brushed over the scars on his forearms.

“Could be worse,” Liam said, showing Zayn that his optimistic side hadn’t been affected in the accident. If anyone would see anything positive in this situation, it would be Liam.

 “I mean, I’m healthy and I get to have a relatively normal life,” shrugged Liam, watching Loki settle near the window. “It’s just sometimes I see things, or meet people and I feel like I should know them, but I don’t, no matter how hard I try.”

“Like me?” Zayn inquired, uncertain if he really wanted to know the answer. The thought that Liam could have completely forgotten him was horrifying, making his heart beat frantically as he waited for Liam to answer.

“Yeah,” Liam responded after a minute, standing up as he took a step towards Zayn, right until he was mere inches away. “I don’t know why, but I feel like you mattered. The minute I saw you there was this weird electricity pulsing through me but I don’t remember you. I don’t remember anything.”

Pulling away, Zayn tried to slow his breathing, his heart lodged in his own throat as he tried swallowing. He threaded his fingers through his still humid hair, groaning in frustration as he paced the length of Liam’s living room. He could feel the man’s eyes on him, something so vulnerable and pleading asking for answers.

“This isn’t one of those things where if I say something shocking you’ll freak the fuck out right?” Zayn questioned, stopping in front of Liam but using the couch as a buffer. He needed the distance right now, hated it, but craved it because if he was any closer to Liam, he would kiss him. He felt the hungering urge to plaster himself to Liam’s body, kiss the man and try to spark his memory with the touch of lips but Zayn knew better, knew this wasn’t a movie with a fairy tale ending.

“I should be alright.” Liam said, shuffling from foot to foot as he watched Zayn as if he held the key to the world’s problems.

Unable to face Liam, Zayn turned around, leaning against the back of the couch as he spoke.

“We were more than friends, Liam,” he whispered, tapping his fingers along his wrist, the tattoo there a symbol of their love, of their promise to one another for the future. “We were..a couple.”

“So I finally came out?” Liam asked, accepting Zayn words so easily that it was almost painful. The man sat down onto the couch, the material of his shirt shaping itself to his body in a way that made Zayn jealous.

“Not exactly,” sighed Zayn, looking at Liam over his shoulder who rubbed at his face again, wordlessly asking for an explanation. “You were going to do it when you return, tell your family about us, about this.”

Pointing to the ring on his finger, Zayn made his way around the couch, standing in front of Liam but without touching the man, uncertain what he was allowed to do. Liam seemed to inspect the ring on Zayn’s finger, eyes wide and marveling as his Adam’s apple bobbed, making Zayn’s mind flutter with images of Liam on his knees.

“I’m sorry I kept you a secret,” whispered Liam, breaking Zayn out of his trance, making him laugh as he rolled his eyes. He sat next to Liam, leaving a space between them as he twirled the ring on his finger, almost feeling like he didn’t deserve it anymore.

“That’s so you,” groaned Zayn, unconsciously reaching out to flick Liam’s hair out of his face. “I tell you about being engaged to a stranger and you apologize, typical Liam Payne.”

“How can I have forgotten you?” Liam mumbled, obviously paying no attention to Zayn. “How can no one have told me about you?”

And Zayn knew this had been coming, knew it was awkward and weird that they were engaged and yet no one Liam remembered actually knew about it. It was the price Zayn now had to pay for asking Liam to wait almost 2 years ago. Truth was, Liam had been ready to tell his family long before leaving on his second tour, Zayn had been the one that had been reluctant.

He had been scared that if Liam told his family, he might have lost him. Zayn had been petrified that Liam’s family might have disliked him, might of tried to separate them and he just couldn’t face the thought with Liam so close to leaving.

 It had been selfish, utter and shamefully self-centered and Zayn regretted the decision more than anything now that Liam stood before him, alive. If Zayn had simply listened to Liam, trusted the man that had never given him a reason to do otherwise, he wouldn’t have spent two years wallowing, mourning the death of this man that he loved beyond life itself. If Zayn hadn’t been selfish, he would have saved himself two years of pain.

“I know it sounds fucked,” Zayn admitted, his voice trembling with emotions as he blinked a few tears away. “You have no family in town and neither do I. For career purposes, you never told your military mates, except for Andy but we never met. You never actually told him I was a guy either. You just told him you met someone, a civilian, to explain why you were spending so much time off base.”

“And Andy doesn’t remember shit,” Liam concluded, giving Zayn a pained smile. “What are the odds?”

“Piss poor,” Zayn said as he snorted, suddenly feeling exhausted. “I can’t believe you’re alive.”

Silence fell upon them as Zayn tried to assess what to do now, struggling with the fact he couldn’t just reach out and touch Liam, he couldn’t hold Liam in his arms and make sure he was real. Zayn was a stranger for all Liam knew, all the details and loved they have exchange up to now, forgotten.

“We were really going to get married?” Liam asked after a few minutes, fingers idly tugging at a loose thread in his jeans.

Forcing his eyes up, Zayn watched the confused expression on Liam’s face fade into an encouraging smile, something small and foreign and yet so familiar.

 “Where’s my ring then?”

Zayn felt the cool metal under his shirt at the words, the gold ring pressed to the stark red lips on his chest. Before leaving, Liam had chosen to leave the ring behind since it was a family heirloom from Zayn’s family, afraid he would lose it somewhere in the rumbles of war.

Tugging at the chain, Zayn let the band fall upon his shirt, watching Liam’s eyes trace over the object as he reached for it. His able fingers ran along the cool metal, brushing along Zayn’s chest who had to bite down on his lip to stop himself from groaning, desperately wanting nothing more than for Liam to put his entire hand on him.

“I loved you a lot, huh?” Liam asked innocently and yet the words tore through Zayn like a bullet, his heart heaving as he could no longer breathe. The past tense _, loved_ , forever immortalized in his mind.

Seemingly noticing Zayn’s anguish, Liam’s warm hand settled on Zayn’s thigh, rubbing comforting circles as he whispered words that didn’t register in Zayn’s head. He was struggling against the dizziness that gripped at his consciousness, tears now spilling freely down his face.

He felt Liam’s hands against his cheeks, the strong familiar fingers wiping away the tears.

“Please don’t cry,” whispered Liam, his face so close to Zayn’s that if he only leaned in, their lips could meet in a kiss.

It was all too much for Zayn to deal with, the proximity of Liam right here with him, touching him and yet feeling like a different man. This was the Liam he knew and loved but the man’s emotions towards Zayn were nothing but sympathy. There was no love.

Flinching away from the touch, Zayn stumbled to his feet, knocking into the table as he scrambled away. He heard something clatter to the floor but couldn’t bring himself to check what it was as he slipped hurriedly into his coat.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” he muttered as he swung his bag onto his shoulder, rushing out the door before Liam could even reply, leaving the man he loved and longed for alone and confused.

Before he knew it, Zayn was back in the rain, running aimlessly down the street, away from his car, away from Liam and away from his heart that remained broken in the living room of a flat too similar to his own.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all fairness, there's two lines in there that were inspired from Queer as Folks US.  
> The ones of you that have seen the show will know exactly which lines!

His flat felt foreign when Zayn finally managed to fumble his keys into the lock, switching the mechanism to come face to face with what the place he used to call home. He was still soaking wet, his hair matted to his face and clothes drenched as he trudged through the quiet flat, puddles trailing behind him.

Flicking on the light switch in the bathroom, Zayn expected the small space to light up with its usual cold grey lighting but on the contrary he found himself still locked in darkness, the switch lifeless.

“Great,” muttered Zayn, stripping his soaked clothes with difficulty, hearing the splattering sound they made as they hit the tile floor. “Fucking power’s out.”

Searching through his jeans for his lighter, surprised when the yellow flame sparked to life when he flicked it on, Zayn quickly lit a few candles. Placing them around the bathroom until he could see where he stepped, Zayn rapidly found himself enveloped with the soothing smell of lavender. He ignored the fact that most of the candles had been Liam’s choice, pushing the thought to the back of his mind as he stepped into the shower, the warm stream stinging against his skin.  

At first Zayn thought he couldn’t cry anymore, that he’d abused his tear ducts enough for one day, but apparently not. The minute his body calmed, the water working the tension out of his muscles, Zayn was backing to crying, choked sobs echoing in the confines of the shower as he leaned against the cold tile, seeking support.

Unable to pay attention to the time, Zayn found himself weeping uncontrollably, his body finally sagging against the wall in exhaustion. Forcing the water shut, Zayn toweled himself dry, ignoring the dirty clothes that littered the floor as he made his way to the bedroom, tugging on an old ragged t-shirt and a pair of joggers. His feet felt like they weighed tons as he dragged himself through the flat, his body following as if on autopilot, but his mind kept wandering the depths of his unconscious.

Not entirely certain why, Zayn made himself a sandwich and tea, feeding the urge inside his stomach even though he knew deep down it wasn’t food he was craving. When his stomach was full, he made his way down the corridor of his flat until he stood in the doorway to his art studio, breathing in the paint stained air. Truth was, he had barely spent any time there in the past years, the walls covered in things that simply reminded him too much of Liam. Digging through the closet, Zayn found what he was looking for, a box he had buried far enough to try and pretend it didn’t exist, a box filled with what could have been.

Sitting on the floor, feet tucked under himself, Zayn sat in the darkness, nothing but a few candles illuminating the room. He ran his fingers delicately along the edge of the box, heart racing as he anticipated opening it. He knew exactly what was in there, every single item catalogued in his mind when he’d finally managed to put them away.

As Zayn listened to the rain pelting against the window, he sighed in frustration, rubbing at his puffy eyes before finally flipping the top off the box open. At the top of everything was Liam’s favorite hoodie, the black material probably still tear stained from the amount of times Zayn had worn it, crying himself to sleep as he clung to anything that reminded him of Liam. He had finally stopped wearing it when the soft material no longer smelled like Liam, nothing but Zayn’s own perfume incrusted in it, ruining the memory.

When Zayn brought the hoodie to his nose, inhaling deeply he was faced once more with nothing but his own scent, grunting as he settled the shirt in his lap, reaching for the next item. Tugging at the ear of the brown plush, Zayn couldn’t help but smile, holding the teddy bear at arm’s length as he inspected it. The toy came from one of their very first dates at Build-a-Bear, the stupidest idea they could come up with and yet Zayn had cherished the toy every day after that. It had been nothing but a joke, a dare they did together, laughing when the women at the store obviously judged them. Zayn had insisted on dressing the bear exactly like Liam had been, beige trousers and a checkered button down shirt, the picture perfect image of a good boy.

Under that was a shoe box filled with pictures that Zayn covered the floor with, mind flashing with memories of his university days and photography classes. Liam had been his favorite subject, posed in every positions and place imaginable, always so willing to please Zayn.

There were hundreds of pictures, Liam smiling dopily at the camera, Liam eating, Liam dancing, Liam working out, chest sweat slicked as he winked at Zayn. There were pictures of Liam sleeping, pictures of Liam shirtless in bed, hair ruffled by sex as Zayn remembered straddling the man’s thighs, wanting to remember the moment forever.

As his trembling fingers ran over the picture, Zayn felt the tears stroll down his face, falling freely upon the image, staining it. He wiped at it, the liquid streaming over Liam’s smile making Zayn choke on his own inhale.

A loud knock on the front door brought Zayn out of his daydream, forcing him away from the memories as he stumbled to the front door, barely any strength to swing it open.

And for some reason Zayn already knew who would be there when he opened the door, his heart buzzing in anticipation. Just as he thought, Liam stood there, head bowed as he waved awkwardly at Zayn.

“You forgot this,” Liam mumbled as he reached forward, offering Zayn a cell phone. “You dropped it when you were leaving.”

Nodding a thank you, Zayn shuffled from foot to foot, leaning against the door as he wondered what to say. “How did you find me?”

A deep blush spread over Liam’s cheek at the words, the man running a hand over the back of his neck. “I might have gone through your cell phone. I was looking for a little more information, hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s fine,” conceded Zayn, shoulders heaving as he motioned for Liam to come in. “I’m sorry for running out on you.”

“You had every right,” Liam said as he closed the door behind himself. “I was a tad insensitive. I know it’s frustrating for me not to remember, but I can only imagine how painful that is for you.”

Rather than answer, Zayn turned on the ball of his foot, words caught in his throat as he sighed, walking back towards his studio. He heard Liam’s footsteps behind him, the sound so familiar, reminding Zayn of the nights Liam made it home from base, the heaviness of his steps announcing his arrival.

“Was just going through some stuff,” Zayn mumbled, gesturing around the room. “I had everything boxed away because I couldn’t face it but, I needed to see it now.”

“This is us?” Liam asked, bypassing Zayn to settle on the ground, fingers tracing along the lines of various pictures. “Wow, you weren’t lying.”

“I wasn’t,” admitted Zayn, enthralled by the way Liam’s eyes lingered on certain pictures, the man’s eyes lightening up in amusement at certain, lips turned into a delicate smile.

“This is so fucked, it’s like it’s not even my life,” whispered Liam, looking up at Zayn, pleading eyes glowing with questions. “I mean, I can see it’s me, I just..”

“Can’t remember,” Zayn supplied, sitting down next to Liam but far away as not to press the man.

Nodding, Liam returned to the pictures covering the entirety of the room, working his way silently thorough every single one as Zayn sat waiting, hoping that maybe something would spark Liam’s memory.

“I wish I could remember all of these,” Liam said as he turned to face Zayn, a picture of them kissing while on the London Eye in hand.

 _I wish I could forget,_ thought Zayn but remained silent _._ Telling Liam about them earlier had been nothing compared to the pain of watching him now, going through their lives in images and recognizing absolutely nothing.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now,” Zayn said as he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them to hold himself together. He could hear the sound of his heart resonating through his ears making him almost deaf to Liam’s reply.

“I can leave if I’m bothering you,” Liam suggested, already standing but Zayn reached out for him, trembling fingers encircling Liam’s wrist to pull him down.

Shaking his head, Zayn simply gestured for Liam to sit again, their knees brushing together as the larger man settled down.

“I can’t believe I finally got the courage to be myself, be with a man and I can’t fucking remember it,” Liam said after a few minutes, throwing a picture in a pile as he rubbed at his face. There was an angry tone to his voice, the man’s hands balling at his side before he suddenly kicked out the box of souvenirs.

“This fucking bullshit,” yelled Liam as he stood, pacing along the room before kicking the box again until it crashed against the wall, it’s content pouring on the floor.

Helpless, Zayn watched as Liam crumbled to the ground, back to the wall until he sat, sobbing in the mess he’d made.

“You’re supposed to be my husband,” whispered Liam after a few minutes of silence, making Zayn’s blood freeze as his eyes traces over Liam’s darkened features. “Why can’t I remember the most important person in my life?”

“I don’t know,” Zayn breathed out, afraid to jolt Liam as he crawled towards the man, kneeling a few feet away from him. “Is there anything else you don’t remember?”

Liam exhaled loudly as he shook his head, wiping the back of his hands along his cheeks to capture the tears that had fallen. “I don’t remember anything from that year. My parents told me nothing happened, I was on base and that’s it. But I guess they didn’t know about you, didn’t know something important _did_ happen that year.”

“I’m sorry,” apologized Zayn, not entirely certain what he was sorry for.

“You were my first,” Liam muttered when nothing but the rain could be heard, a crack of thunder shaking the flat as Zayn nodded in response.

“I know.”

“I don’t remember my first,” Liam echoed, more to himself than anyone else, his large palm suddenly falling upon Zayn’s thigh, rubbing tight circles into the material of his joggers.

“Did I completely suck?” asked Liam after a minute, a small laugh to his words that sounded eerie in the evening’s silence.

“Not even close,” Zayn replied honestly, covering Liam’s hand with his own, offering the man an encouraging squeeze. “You were the best I ever had.” _You were everything._

“I don’t know if you’re making fun of me or being sincere,” chuckled Liam, his tear stained face illuminated by the lightening outside, a meager smile on his face.  

“Honest,” Zayn said, settling next to Liam, his own back pressed into the graffiti stained wall.

 Closing his eyes, Zayn tried to remember every one of their first times; the dates, the touches, the sex. Yet the one thing that he always settled on was their first kiss, something small and hesitant that most people would push to the back of their minds, but it had always captivated Zayn.

“Out of everything, I miss kissing you most,” Zayn said faintly, hearing the stutter in his own voice as he forced his eyes over the room, pictures of their loves and broken memories enveloping his every sense. “You always kissed me like you meant every second of it, like you couldn’t breathe without my touch, like if ever you never got to kiss me again you’d die.”

Sparing a glance sideways for Liam, Zayn groaned as he pushed himself to his feet, stumbling over the pictures until he stood in the door way, fisting the doorframe in frustration. “It’s all a little ridiculous now since you can’t even remember.”

“Can I kiss you?” Liam blurted out abruptly, standing so he could walk towards Zayn who recoiled immediately, hunched into himself.

“I’m not an experiment Liam,” he huffed, pushing his hair out of his own face. “You can’t just kiss me and see if you like it. There’s too much emotion, too much memory for me in this.”

“I know.” Liam replied softly as he approached him, hand outstretched until could caress it’s way down Zayn’s jaw, settling on his neck, forcing Zayn to meet his eyes. “There’s something between us, even if I can’t remember, I can feel it. It’s in my heart. You’re in there somewhere.”

“What if you don’t remember?” Zayn whispered, hands pressed to Liam’s chest, uncertain if it was to push the man away or to pull him in closer. “What if you don’t like it this time around? What if you don’t like me?”

“Then make me remember,” Liam said as he leaned in, brushing his lips to Zayn’s jaw as if asking permission. “I know I’m asking a lot, but I need to know. I need you to be my first again. I chose you for a reason, make me remember.”

There was a beat of silence, hesitation dragging through Zayn’s body until he sagged into Liam’s arms, fisting his hands in the man’s shirt to pull him in, pushing their lips together as he got lost, giving in to years of pain as he kissed Liam.

He kissed Liam and tried to forget, tried to convey a year of love and two years of lost until he was breathlessly dizzy, hostage to a stranger that stared back at him unknowingly when they pulled away.


	4. Chapter 4

For the second time that week, Zayn found himself sitting in the familiar coffee shop, the sweet smell of vanilla enveloping him as he thumbed through his latest assignment. He could hear Liam humming distinctly in the background, the sound slow and melodic, pulling Zayn away from his work. It was impossible to concentrate when Liam was so close, the meager sound seeping through Zayn’s mind, enthralling him. He could remember the same lowly voice when it was muffled in his own skin, remembered the way it vibrated through his body when Liam would lick his way up Zayn’s thigh, leaving him breathlessly panting.

Shifting in his seat, trying to find a comfortable position as the sensations sparked through his body, Zayn forced his eyes up, allowing himself the pleasure to trace the lines of Liam’s body.  Honestly, he felt somewhat like a creep, admiring from a far because he was still too shy to do it upfront. He couldn’t deny the fact that having Liam back in his life was a miracle, a gift, and yet Zayn struggled with getting use to it, to embrace it.

After they had kissed, Liam had spent a long time just standing there, fingers digging into Zayn’s hips, eyes closed as he breathed in deeply. It had freaked Zayn out slightly, his own heart thrumming with anticipation until Liam had smiled, mumbling a small _I can’t remember you, but kissing you is the most amazing thing ever._

It had taken a lot of time after that for Zayn to manage his way out of Liam’s arms, preferring to bathe in the familiarity that Liam offered, even though the other man seemed to be holding on for very different reasons. It was obvious in his face that even though Liam didn’t remember Zayn, he had enjoyed the kiss and that meant something bigger than the kiss itself. Zayn recalled seeing the same look on Liam’s face after their _real_ first kiss, a confirmation of his decision, as if Liam’s soul was finally at peace.

 _I get what you meant by I kissed you like you meant the world to me_ , Liam had whispered when he was just about leaving, his back to Zayn as the words crashed through Zayn’s body like a tsunami.

  _Its like I found myself and I didn’t know I was lost,_ concluded Liam before leaving, the soft clicking on the lock making new tears fall down’s Zayn face.

And Zayn hated to admit the fact that he’d spent the rest of the night crying, tearing through his flat to find every single memory of Liam he had, shoving it in a bin that he planned to set fire to, frustration overwhelming him. Yet when he was ready, lighter in hand, the flaming ghosting across his face, he found himself unable to proceed. He didn’t want to be a new beginning to Liam, didn’t want to be the man’s savior because Zayn knew he could never forget the past, it was always weigh him down.

If Zayn spent time with Liam now, it meant he had almost a year of knowledge over the other man, a year of memories that now seem pointless, like they belonged to someone else because Liam just couldn’t remember. _And if he never did, then what_?, had wondered Zayn, the heat of the lighter licking at his fingers until he flicked it closed, rubbing at his face in frustration.

Rather than set everything on fire, Zayn had chosen the rational option, shoving everything back into his closet until he was ready to deal with it. Exhausted, he had fallen asleep the minute his head hit the pillow, his emotions draining any strength he had left.

When he had come to, there was a text from Liam blinking up at him from his phone, asking Zayn to meet Liam at the coffee shop later that afternoon.

So that’s how Zayn found himself in the coffee shop he had avoided for years, for the second time that week, waiting for Liam’s shift to finish. It really hadn’t much of a choice, the minute Zayn had read the text, his fingers were typing out a quick reply, long before his dazed brain could prevent him from doing so.

“You ready to go?” Liam asked as he approached Zayn’s table, dragging behind him a bag that seemed abnormally heavy.

“Should I be worried?” replied Zayn, pointing to the bag as he hurriedly picked up his books, shoving them carelessly into his shoulder bag.

Laughing, something easy and soft, Liam shook his head, giving Zayn an embarrassed grin as he led him out of the shop.

“What’s in the bag?” Zayn asked curiously when they stopped in front of Liam’s flat, right next to Zayn’s car which he simply had forgotten about. I need to get it towed, he reminded himself, shifting sideways to watch Liam open the bag.

“Tools,” mumbled Liam as he rounded his way to the front of the car, knocking on the metal with his fist. “Open the hood would you.”

“You don’t have to do this,” responded Zayn, obliging to Liam’s demand when the man glared at him, a sight that had shivers running down Zayn’s back as he unlocked the car, popping the hood open.

Immediately, Liam set himself to work, hands running over the various pieces of the engines, tools clinking against the metal as the man knowingly made his way over the problem. Hip braced on the side of the car, Zayn watched Liam move around as if he was meant to do this, Liam’s hands on side always something that came in handy considering how shit Zayn was at fixing anything.

“Wait a minute,” Zayn mumbled as he walked towards Liam until he was standing next to Liam, the man’s hands now oil stained. “You live right here, why did you bring your tools to work?”

Shrugging, Liam stood to his full height, cleaning his hand on the edge of his shirt, abs peaking out from under the thin material. “I bought them before my shift,” Liam admitted, taking Zayn’s keys from his hands as he brushed past him.

“You really didn’t have to do that,” Zayn tried to argue but was silenced by the sound of the engine roaring to life, Liam yelping in happiness as he approached Zayn.

There was a proud smile spread across Liam’s face as he knocked his shoulder to Zayn’s, eyes tracing over the engine like he was admiring his work.

“You really didn’t have to do that,” repeated Zayn, leaning away from Liam because the man’s cologne still seemed to make him dizzy, body humming with a delicious feeling.

“I wanted to,” Liam said as he closed the hood before turning off the engine, handing the keys back to Zayn. “Plus, I was hoping you’d have dinner with me to thank me.”

It was so hard for Zayn not to roll his eyes at the words, reminded of the old Liam that always did the exact same thing; asking for something insanely cute in exchange for a practical service. But for the first time in his life, Zayn found himself reluctant to accept, biting his bottom lip as he pondered the thought.

“I’m not sure that’s a great idea,” he croaked after Liam had zipped up his tool bag, watching Zayn expectantly. “It’s painful Liam, seeing you, talking to you, touching you. It’s fucking horrible even if it’s wonderful.”

It took a minute for Liam to reply, his eyes cast down as if he was ashamed of what he was asking for, foot tapping on the ground restlessly until he forced his head up, facing Zayn.

“I know I’m asking a lot,” Liam said, crossing his arms over his chest as though he was trying to control his anxiety. “But I don’t know what else to do. I want to remember.”

“But you might not,” argued Zayn, huffing as he spun on his heels, facing away from Liam because he just couldn’t bring himself to crying yet another time facing the man he loved. “I’m a stranger to you so it’s easy for you. It’s like dating for the first time or whatever but to me you’re not a stranger, you’re not a first. I know you, or at least I use to.”

“You won’t be a stranger if you let me in,” sighed Liam, curling his hand around Zayn’s shoulder to turn him around so they could face each other. “I’m not asking for a date, I get that it’s too hard. I’m just..I don’t know, asking for help.”

“Help,” echoed Zayn, nodding weakly as he curled into Liam’s body, wrapping his arms around the man’s waist who returned the embrace without fault. Zayn knew he should probably pull away, the acceptable time a hug should last long passed, but he clung to Liam, face pressed into the man’s chest as the traffic around them swirled by.

“I get these feelings when you’re around me,” Liam whispered after a minute, hands tightening around Zayn’s shoulder which pleased Zayn to no end.

“What do you mean?” he asked, mouth catching in the material of Liam’s shirt, a familiar taste on his tongue as he licked at his lips.

“It’s like déjà-vu, you know? I feel like I've seen it before, but I know I haven’t.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” Zayn said as he forced himself to pull away, barely able to contain the groan that escaped his lips as Liam’s hands dropped on his hips. Perhaps it was the beginning to something, Liam’s mind adapting to Zayn’s presence, seeking his subconscious for the truth.

\---------

They were sat in an old, ragged booth in an Indian restaurant next to Liam’s flat, plates of steaming food covering the entirety of the table. It was a comfortable setting, something new to both of them that allowed Zayn to breathe a little easier. There was something convivial about eating out with Liam, the way he talked so kindly to the staff, and ordered food with wonder. It’s something Zayn had missed without realizing, another quirk of Liam’s he could surely fall for.

“I can see you still eat your weight in food,” smirked Zayn as he wolfed down another piece of teekha murg, lips stick stained.

“That’s one thing I never lost after leaving the military,” Liam admitted as he shrugged, stealing a piece of naan from Zayn’s side of the table.

Nodding, Zayn returned to his food, enjoying the spicy chicken as he watched Liam’s lips close around a piece of bread, crumbs falling to the table in a messy pile. It took all the self control Zayn had not to lean over the table, run his finger along Liam’s mouth in a teasing manner before licking his finger. Liam had always blushed when Zayn babied him, cheeks flushed a bright color that Zayn found himself longing for.

“I told my mom about you,” Liam blurted out suddenly, Zayn had snapping up to meet Liam’s eyes.

“You what?” he all but yelled, chocking on his food as he looked around helplessly, giving the couple next to them an apologetic look.

Hands falling to his lap, Liam shrugged in response, eyes cast down on his own hands as if scared of what Zayn would say.

 “I needed to tell someone,” mumbled Liam, sounding utterly broken and childlike. “She was fine with the gay part, just surprised about the engaged part.”

“I bet,” breathed Zayn after a second, his head spinning with the endless possibilities. He remembered how carefully they had planned telling Liam’s parents, talking about it for hours and now all that was gone, stolen by the lost memories that Liam simply didn’t know exist.

Fingers itching for a cigarette, Zayn begrudgingly pushed down the urge, leaning over the table to tip Liam’s chin up. “I’m glad she took it well, always knew she’d love you no matter what.”

“She wants to meet you,” Liam added after a minute, quickly looking away.

Forcing the gripping anxiety that bubbled through his stomach at the thought down, Zayn nodded. He wasn’t exactly sure how he was suppose to do this, face Liam’s mother as the man engaged to her son and yet be as much of a stranger to her as he was to Liam himself.

“You don’t have too-.”

“It’s fine,” Zayn said before Liam could continue, sighing to himself as he stretched out in his seat. “It’s just all a lot to deal with.”

Watching Liam’s head dip in agreement, strong fingers running gently over the cutlery, Zayn chose to remain silent, shoving food into his mouth as an excuse for his wordlessness. He remembered two years ago, the thought of meeting Liam’s mother had terrified him, and yet for some strange reason now, it seemed to appease him a little.

Meeting Mrs. Payne meant that for once since they had met again, Liam and him would be on equal footing, both in uncharted territory, facing the unknown together. It was like going back to the beginning, only this time Zayn didn’t get to comfort himself with the taste of Liam’s lips, or the strength of Liam’s arms.


	5. Chapter 5

Zayn couldn't really explain the knotting sensation in his stomach as he packed up his presentation, shaking hands with the directors of his latest project. He’d spent the last hour going over his designs for their new advertising campaign, trying to make them enthusiastic about the entire thing when in reality all Zayn could think about was Liam.

They hadn’t seen each other in a few days, Zayn trying to stay home as much as he could to work on his project, getting the last details of his presentation down. Liam claimed he understood; Good, old, rational Liam had nodded his head as he bit his lip, looking like a kicked puppy when Zayn turned him away on Monday night because he had to work.

And Zayn had tried not to feel bad about it, tried not to let the guilt bubble in his stomach but he had caved by Wednesday night, calling Liam for a pizza and a beer which they shared in his dimly lit flat. They sat on opposite sides of the couch, no lingering touches or kisses as they laughed at some stupid movie Liam had brought over. It was still somewhat awkward, the lines of their relationships undefined making things beyond complicated in Zayn’s opinion.

In reality they had been struggling through conversations the entire week, Zayn hesitancy obvious as he tried desperately hard to stay away from Liam, building barriers between them. He knew better than to think Liam hadn’t noticed, the man shying away every time Zayn actually paid him any attention, cheeks flushed red when Zayn managed to crack a smile.

But no matter what they did, there was always mountains separating them, keeping them miles apart. It was that ring on Zayn’s finger that Liam’s eyes found themselves tracing too many times. It was the fact that Karen Payne was due in on Friday afternoon, braving the London traffic to meet Zayn. And the thing was Zayn wasn’t exactly sure under what title he was meeting Liam’s mom. He wasn’t sure if he was a friend, or a stranger, if he was suppose to mention the past or keep it shoved away.

There was that infinite part of him that struggled through his emotions, a bottle that wanted to burst with words and memories and yet he knew he had to keep it capped away. He knew overwhelming Liam with things he didn’t know, with places he didn’t remember and touches he didn’t understand would lead them to nothing. Zayn also knew that Karen’s presence was some sort of buffer for Liam, something the other man was using to try and connect the two worlds he thought were the same, the worlds that never forgot years of his life. And yet, Zayn knew it was a vain attempt, considering how Karen knew nothing of Zayn even though Zayn knew everything about her and family.

He remembered the nights he’d spent sprawled over Liam’s chest, cheeks rubbing along the taunt skin peppered with soft hair. Liam always loved to cuddle and talk, loved to tell Zayn the endless stories about Nicola and Ruth. He talked about their trips to Florida as kids and their family Christmas filled with gingerbread cookies and eggnog. And Zayn was always content to listen, preferring to use his fingers to tap out replies all over Liam’s skin, as he bathed in the exciting glow of Liam’s reminiscence.

But now, as Zayn packed his things, he felt his hands tremble, heart beating out frantically as he read over Liam’s last few texts. Karen had already arrived, taking over Liam’s kitchen in a flash and apparently Liam was waiting restlessly for Zayn.

It probably shouldn’t please Zayn as much as it did that Liam was seeking him out for support and stability. Every text message was dripping in distress, words laced with need and deep down, it stirred something in Zayn. He had tried for days to let go of the past, to try and forget the old memories with Liam and make new ones. He knew Liam was a different man than the one Zayn had gotten engaged to, but the fact that Liam still clung to him, still unconsciously sought him out pleased Zayn to no end.

Typing out a quick, _I’ll be there as soon as I can_ , Zayn pocketed his phone, gathering the last of his things as he shrugged into his jacket, smoothing out his clothes.

“You can do this,” he sighed when he caught his reflection in the office’s window, his lithe form slumping as he groaned with anxiety. Rubbing at his face one last time, Zayn made his way out of the office, heading to the closes flower shop in hopes of making a good first impression.

Even though he wasn’t technically anything more than Liam’s friend, if that, he wanted Karen to like him, and his mom always told him flowers were a gentleman’s first step.

\-------------------------------

When the door to Liam’s flat opened, Zayn was still shuffling his wet hair out of his face, mumbling about how he wish he’d taken an umbrella to work this morning.

“I’m so sorry,” mumbled Zayn as he looked up at Liam, still getting use to the hitch in his own breath when his eyes fell on the other man. As always Liam was decked out in comfy clothes, a pair of jeans and a simple white t-shirt. His cheeks were covered in a day old stubborn, making Zayn’s fingers itch to reach out and stroke up Liam’s jaw but he stopped himself, hanging his head in defeat.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s a right mess outside,” assured Liam, grabbing Zayn wrist to pull him in. “She was worried about you being out in this type of weather.”

“I look like a drowned rat,” Zayn complained as Liam helped him out of his coat, the light touch on his shoulder sending shivers down Zayn’s spin.

“You don’t,” laughed Liam, glancing back towards the kitchen when Karen’s singing voice came through. “She just wants to get to know you, fill in the gaps.”

“And maybe she can fill in mine,” Zayn replied, sighing before he followed Liam towards the kitchen. There was a frown on the man’s face at Zayn’s words, something foreign and confused but Zayn chose to ignore it, running his hand down his rain stained clothes.

“Mom, this is Zayn,” Liam said as he approached the petite woman, her blond hair catching the light as she turned around, a wide smile on her face.

She approached Zayn cautiously, and yet every stepped seemed beyond enthusiastic as her eyes prickled with tears.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Zayn tried to say proudly, offering the water ruined flowers to her. “They looked much better when I bought them.”

A little chuckle escaped Karen’s lips as she nodded, accepting the flowers before handing them to Liam, advancing towards Zayn until she cupped his face with both her hands.

“Why don’t you go get some dry clothes for Zayn,” Karen said as she turned towards Liam, who seemed reluctant, watching Zayn with worried eyes. Nodding in approval, Zayn swallowed around the lump in his throat, watching Liam leave before his eyes fell on Karen’s face again.

Her thumb stroked down Zayn cheek easily as if she had done this for years before they sat smoothly against his jaw. And Zayn knew it should be awkward and yet he felt relief, his body sagging as a single tear slide down his cheek.

“It’s nice to meet you, love,” Karen finally sighed, kissing Zayn cheek before pulling away, wiping at her own tears. “It makes so much more sense now.”

Before Zayn could ask what made sense, Liam was back at his side, offering him a towel and some warm clothes.

“Mom, what did you do,” whined Liam as he noticed Zayn’s tears, hand reaching out as if he wipe them away but his arm fell back at his side before he could reached Zayn’s face.

“It’s nothing,” muttered Zayn, forcing a smile as he wrapped his arms around the dry towel in his hands. “I’m going to go change.”

Without waiting for a reply, Zayn backed away from the kitchen, eyes falling on the cold hardwood floors before he locked himself in the bathroom, heart heavy as his eyes stung with tears. He wasn’t exactly sure what was happening, why he felt this overwhelming surge of emotions crashing through him at the sight of Liam’s mother but he couldn’t stop the sob that ripped through his throat.

 Bowing his head against the door, he tried to breathe through it, stripping his own clothes that stuck to his skin. By the time he was dressed, a pair of Liam’s trackies low on his hips and a soft worn out t-shirts hanging off his lithe form, Zayn’s breathing had calmed to a normal pattern.

 It was not exactly the first impression he wanted to give, old clothes and a comfy lounge aspect, but obviously it didn’t matter at this point. There was something in Karen’s presence, in her touch that reassured Zayn which made him certain that everything else would somehow fall into place.  

When he walked into the kitchen, both Liam and his mother were already seated at the dining table, plates filled with steaming food placed before them.

“Please join us,” smiled Karen as she pushed more food into Zayn’s plate. “Liam said you loved chicken.”

Zayn didn’t really remember mentioning that to Liam, didn’t remember talking about any of his food habits and yet he found himself nodding, take place at Liam’s side so he could face Karen.

“It smells delicious, thank you for having me,” he replied softly as he settled down, taking the first bite with shaking hands.

“I should be thanking you,” Karen simply responded, her small hand coming to cover Liam’s much bigger one on the corner of the table. “I use to worry about him before he left on his last tour. He never came home during the holidays or birthdays, didn’t call as much and at first I thought he’d gotten into some trouble but I guess he just was a little busy with you.”

“Yeah,” breathed out Zayn, avoiding the woman’s eyes as he shovelled more food into his mouth, a slight guilty knot threading through his stomach. He could also see the way Liam’s brows furrowed at the words, obviously trying to spark his memory with not avail.

“Can I ask you a question?” Karen whispered after a few minutes of silence, her voice trembling with emotions as she squeezed Liam’s hand again.

Nodding, words caught in his throat, Zayn forced himself to look up at the woman, expecting to be told off. Maybe she expected him to back off, thought he had no claim on her son, no future and that his presence would only harm Liam.

But Karen only managed a slight smile as she pressed her napkin to her mouth before breathing out calmly. “Why did you never try to contact us? Why not come and see us, talk to us, explain. You would have seen he wasn’t gone.”

The question felt like a punch to the stomach, something that robbed him of breathe as he closed his eyes to think. Thing was, Zayn had expected the question, in fact he had thought about the answer for weeks and yet he had never really managed to come up with anything concrete.

“At first it was easier to pretend he was still gone, still on tour,” Zayn found himself whispering after a second, rubbing at his face in distraught as he avoided Liam’s eyes. “I didn’t want to believe he was truly gone. And when I faced the facts, I really had nowhere to go, no claim to get a confirmation, my name held no weight. It was never my place to reveal Liam’s sexuality and his choice to you. It wouldn’t have been right for me to do so, so I never sought out his grave, never sought out his family because in all honesty, I’m not sure I had the courage to face you.”

“I understand,” murmured Karen as she smiled through watery eyes. “But how did you know he was gone, how could you live and not know for sure?”

“But I was sure,” Zayn replied, flashes of the small bakery lighting through his mind. “It’s the one part I still don’t understand I guess.”

“What happened?” asked Liam this time, his voice loud and gravely, so serious which had Zayn shying away. He hated to hear Liam so miserable, so confused and lost in his own world, itching for answers.

“You had given me one of your mate’s address and phone number, some Harry guy that worked in a bakery,” explained Zayn before taking a sip of water, his throat tight with emotions as he coughed before continuing. “After weeks of having this sick feeling in my stomach, of knowing something was wrong I drove down to Wolverhampton. When I got to the bakery, there was a man crying in the back store and there was this jar out front asking to donate funds for your family.”

“Oh,” breathed out Karen, reaching out to lightly stroke Zayn’s arm. “That was a charity thing Harry did to help cover medical bills and rehab.”

“I thought he was gone,” whimpered Zayn, swallowing down his own tears as he felt that empty space in his heart grow. “I thought it was funds for his funeral. I don’t know. I panicked and I left and I just, I thought you were gone Liam. I’m sorry.”

“Oh darling, it’s ok,” Liam’s mother replied soothingly, and yet her touch only had Zayn recoiling, bile rising in his throat.

“No its not,” he coughed out as he rubbed at the angry tears running down his face. “If I would have asked, if I hadn’t skipped to conclusions this wouldn’t be happening. If I had known Liam, fuck. I’m sorry.”

Liam only looked up at him through sad eyes, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s ok.”

“How are you not angry?” Zayn asked, unable to stop himself, all but forgetting Karen’s presence as he pulled away, turning towards Liam. “How can you not hate me for being so cowardly?”

Again, Liam only shrugged. “There are days I’m angry with you,” he conceded, sighing out as he pushed away from the table, pacing along the length of the kitchen before looking over at his mother and then Zayn. “What’s the point though? I still can’t remember. I still can’t figure out why I feel like this about you, why there’s this constant pull in my stomach when you’re near me, why my lips tingle when you breathe, why my heart beats frantically when you laugh.”

“You’ve never said anything,” Zayn breathed out in disbelief.

“It’s a weird feeling,” replied Liam like it explained everything. “I know you put up walls between us, I know how hard you struggle with being around me so I thought it was easier to say nothing.”

“I don’t know how to do this Liam,” said as he stood, conscious that Karen had gently stepped out to give them some privacy. “I’m just as lost as you are. Am I supposed to talk to you about our past? Am I supposed to start over like you’re just a stranger to me? It kills me when I say something that you should remember and you don’t, it kills me that I can’t just reach out and touch you, that I can’t just kiss you and be with you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Liam voiced, his words barely above a whisper as he turned away from Zayn, muffled tears staining the air.

“To be honest I don’t know what hurts me more,” admitted Zayn, dragging his feet across the floor until he was inches away from Liam. He lifted his hand tentatively, wanting to touch Liam delicately and somehow ended up wrapping his arms around Liam’s waist, pressing his cheek to the man’s back as he felt Liam lean back into him. “You not remembering, or me trying not to be with you.”

“Then stop trying,” Liam said as if it was the simplest thing in the world, like it was so easy and Zayn was stupid for not thinking about it. “What if we meet again for a reason, most people don’t get second chances.”

“Are you saying you want us to like..date or something?”

The silence between the was almost deafening, Liam’s shallow breathing all that could be heard as Zayn pressed his face into the man’s back, his fingers digging in Liam’s hips. Zayn knew he wasn’t thinking straight, his heart too heavy with memories to be rational but he couldn’t bring himself to care, waiting for Liam’s reply.

“I think so,” finally whispered Liam, turning around to face Zayn.

“I can’t promise you anything,” Zayn managed to respond after clearing his throat, dipping his head down before forcing his eyes up to meet Liam’s. “This scares me beyond words.”

“Why?” asked Liam, fingers threading through Zayn hair to push his wet fringe out of his face.

“Because I could lose you again,” Zayn sighed, pulling away until he stood by the grand window of Liam’s kitchen, the storm outside ragging on. “I grieved you like you were really dead, like you were never coming back. I did a shit job of it but I thought you were gone. I don’t know if I can survive it again. I don’t know if I would survive losing you again.”

“So what do we do?” Liam said, his voice distant, almost an echo in Zayn’s head as he turned to face the man he had loved once more.

“I don’t know,” relinquished Zayn. “Because I don’t know if I can live without you either. I have this nagging feeling in my mind that keeps telling me you’re only doing this because you want to remember, because you think you have to, because I’m part of your past. I don’t want to be a memory you chase after and might never catch. If we do this...I need to know it’s because you like me, not the idea of me and you years ago.”

“Zayn,” breathed out Liam, stepping up into his space to tilt his chin up. “How I feel, it has nothing to do with the past, with whatever we were. No matter what happened then, the tightening in my gut when I see you happens now. The dizziness and the tingling lips I get are not from a memory, it’s from kissing you now. It’s just you.”

“Show me then,” Zayn challenged, feeling his throat tighten in anticipation.

But Liam only smile at the provocation, something soft and promising as he leaned down, touching their lips together in something intimate and gentle, the exact opposite of what Zayn had expected.

“I’ll show you everything,” Liam promised, large palm spread at the bottom of Zayn’s back, bringing their bodies together like a puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. “I just need you to trust me.”


	6. Chapter 6

“I think my mother is going to disown me and give you my share of her inheritance when she dies,” grumbled Liam as he fell into the couch next to Zayn, legs sprawled out before him. He was wearing a pair of grey sweats that were slightly too small for him, the material clinging to his body making Zayn’s mind swim with ideas.

Smiling to himself, Zayn pretended he wasn’t paying attention, humming a reply as he sipped at his tea, the sting of honey smoothing over his pallet.

“She’s so in love with you,” continued Liam, clicking his tongue in fake annoyance. “Makes me wonder why the old me didn’t tell them about us.”

Zayn sputtered slightly at the words, coughing as he kept his eyes glued on the TV, his heart suddenly feeling crushed under pressure.

“I’m sorry,” Liam sighed as he reached out, running his strong fingers along Zayn’s forearm sending electricity down his spin. “I don’t think before I talk, I’m an idiot.”

“It’s fine,” Zayn tried to mumbled but even to his own ears it sounded like a lie.

Truth was, Karen has spent the last two days all over Zayn, asking every single question imaginable about the past and the present, about what he did and what he had done with his life. And at first Zayn had found himself reluctant to answer, uncertain whether speaking of the past so much was harmful to Liam, but the other man only sat quietly, listening to every word attentively.

Zayn had probably said more in the last two days than he had in his entire life, reliving memory after memory and although he had cried through some of them, it felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He no longer felt like he was drowning in souvenirs, every breath a little lighter although he wasn’t sure it was the same for Liam.

“We agreed the past happened and were not going to ignore it,” sighed Zayn, glancing sideways at Liam who was biting down on his bottom lip nervously. “I’m trying not to get upset, it just might take some time, ok?”

“Ok,” nodded Liam, fingers running nervously down his thighs. “About that date you promised me.”

Chuckling, Zayn couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes. If there was one thing that hadn’t changed in Liam, it was his enthusiasm for dates. Ever since Zayn had promised him they could go on a real date once Karen left, Liam had been following him around like a puppy, asking for ideas and pitching out options at every turn. And here he was, less than 15 minutes after Karen had left, bringing the date up again.

“What about it?” mused Zayn with a smile, eyes tracing the lines of the cartoons on TV even though deep down he was just as excited as Liam at the prospect of a real date.

“I figured out where I want to take you.”

“Oh yeah?” Zayn asked, finally turning to look at Liam who nodded, something shy and almost comical about his demeanour. “Where would that be?”

“It’s a secret,” replied Liam, suddenly proud as he squared his shoulders, sipping at his own tea. “Do you think we could go tomorrow? I took the week off, wanted to have some time to think and all that.”

Zayn knew he should probably say no, the stack of papers still on his desk waiting for him enough of an indicator. Yet the look on Liam’s face, so hopeful and pleading was something Zayn simply couldn’t turn away.

“I have to work for a few in the morning but I’ll be done by noon,” he promised, knowing that his workload would actually take days to finish.

“Great,” smiled Liam, his hand settling atop Zayn’s knee, making him want to shove Liam into the comfy couch, straddle his lap and kiss him breathless.

Groaning internally, Zayn set his cup of tea on the end table, shuffling out of his seat. The images of Liam naked and panting that were flashing through his head were his cue that he had overstayed his welcome and was getting a little too comfortable with his surroundings.  

“I should go,” Zayn mumbled as he pulled himself to his feet, trying not wince when Liam’s face fall in disappointment. He half expected Liam to argue, say something cute and adorable to make him stay but the other man stayed silent, following Zayn towards the door to help him into his coat.

“You could stay you know,” Liam finally said when Zayn was all but out the door, hand wrapped around the handle to pull it open.

“Leeyum,” Zayn said as he laced the name around his tongue, knowing better than to give in to Liam’s childish pouts and pleas. “I really shouldn’t, we agreed we’re starting from the start.”

And Liam whined low in his throat in response, shuffling from foot to foot as he stuffed his hands deep inside his pockets. “It’s late, and your job is closer to here anyways and like...I washed all your clothes from Friday.”

“Leeyumm please,” repeated Zayn, rolling his eyes. “You’re supposed to take me out first, not try and lure me to your bedroom with your cute little face and laundry duty.”

Liam scoffed in response, an amused smirk now split across his features as he wrapped his large hand around Zayn’s wrist. His thumb smoothed softly across Zayn’s skin, tracing the lines of Zayn’s tattoo unconsciously.

“I won’t try anything, I promise. Not even a kiss,” Liam assured, looking at his feet as if embarrassed. “Just want you to stay.”

“What is it Liam?” Zayn asked, knowing the expression that was now embedded all over Liam’s face, the way he awkwardly swayed on his feet, uncertain and worried.

“It’s dumb,” muttered the other man suddenly pulling away. “I’m just being stupid, I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.”

“No way,” groaned Zayn, stepping in front of Liam, grabbing the dog tag around the man’s neck to bring their faces close together when Liam kept avoiding his eyes. “What is it?”

“I’ve been getting this really sick feeling in my stomach every time you leave,” Liam whispered after a beat of silence, eyes closed as his chest heaved with every breath. “It’s the same feeling I use to get right before I left on tour, like saying goodbye forever and never knowing what’s going to happen next.”

“Babe,” Zayn said as he reached out, running his fingers along Liam’s cheek, trying to offer comfort as he found himself wordless.

“I don’t know why,” added Liam, groaning in frustration when a tear streaked down his cheek. “I don’t know why I feel like this about you, I don’t fucking get it but I need you. I don’t want you to go and that’s fucking ridiculous. I’ve been a broken fucking mess ever since I woke up after the explosion and I pretend I’m fine but there’s always this horrible feeling inside of me, where I don’t know what’s happening but when you’re there..it’s different.”

“It’s like the void that you don’t understand isn’t as empty,” finished Zayn, his voice trembling as Liam’s hands covered his own.

“Exactly.”

“I thought that was just me,” Zayn admitted. “But at least I have the memories to soothe my pain.”

“Then will you help me soothe mine?” Liam asked hesitantly, reaching out to tap a frantic beat along Zayn’s hip, something he no doubt did unconsciously, but Zayn knew it was a habit of his.  

Without replying, Zayn stripped his jacket, throwing it aimlessly on a nearby chair as he pulled his boots off before taking hold of Liam’s hand and dragging him through the flat towards the man’s bedroom. When they reached the side of the bed, Zayn pulled down the blankets, quickly shuffling under the covers before looking up towards Liam.

The man stood frozen at the edge of the bed, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he chewed nervously at the dry skin, fingers fisting the loose material of his shirt.

“C’mon,” encouraged Zayn, reaching out until Liam intertwined their fingers, settling next to Zayn in bed until Zayn dragged the covers over both their bodies. “Tell me what you want to know.”

“Anything,” Liam sighed, moving restlessly under the blankets until Zayn placed a hand over his chest.

“Calm down, I won’t leave,” promised Zayn, rubbing soothing circles over Liam’s chest, feeling the frantic beat of the other man’s heart through the material.

Liam dipped his head in understanding, swallowing audibly as he watched Zayn with curious eyes. “What did you do to calm me when I got nervous? I remember I use to get panic attack, did I still have those?”

Smiling, Zayn reached out, running his fingers along Liam’s forearm at the memory.

“You still had them, but very rarely by the time you left,” reminisced Zayn, amazed at how quickly Liam still calmed from his touch only. “I use to drag you into our bedroom and make you lay down with your head on my chest, and I’d run my fingers through the little hair you had and tell you about our future.”

“Our future?” Liam asked, nudging into Zayn’s touch as if asking for more.

 Nodding, as if Liam had demanded permission, Zayn pulled Liam down, accepting the weight of the man’s head on his stomach easily, a pang of sorrow licking at his heart but he ignored it. Threading his fingers through Liam’s hair, Zayn hummed out peacefully, waiting for Liam to settle into the touch.

“You always talked about settling down once you got out, a house in the suburbs and a dog,” Zayn explained. “But I was usually quiet about what I wanted.”

“Why? Did you not want those things with me?” questioned Liam, rubbing his cheek against the material of Zayn’s shirt, his arm now thrown casually across Zayn’s stomach.

“No, that’s not it,” assured Zayn as he scratched the back of Liam’s neck which all but had the man purring. “I’ve never been a very vocal person and it was just easier not to say anything, to bathe in your fantasy. I think...I think I was scared to admit I wanted a future because I was afraid you wouldn’t return.”

“I’m sorry,” mumbled Liam, his voice muffled by Zayn’s own shirt.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Zayn sighed, tangling his legs with Liam’s. “I knew you were military when we met, I knew what I was getting into and even though I never told you, I had plenty of plans for the future.”

Liam hummed in reply, his voice fading into the falling night as nothing but Loki’s soft running could be heard from the adjacent room.

“What did you plan?” Liam inquired after a minute, shying away from Zayn’s eyes and yet leaning into his touch.

Zayn thought about giving Liam a non-committed answer, something casual that could be just anyone’s plans for the future but the idea of lying to Liam now, when he was so open and vulnerable was almost unbearable.

“I saw myself working a job like now, but maybe selling my art on the side. I saw a modest house outside of the city, somewhere quiet where we could escape. I saw you away from the military, maybe volunteering as a firefighter because I always knew you needed to feel useful, that you always felt like saving people was your calling.”

“Sounds nice,” laughed Liam, pressing what seemed like an unconscious kiss to Zayn’s stomach through the material of his shirt.

“I saw a dog, or maybe two running outside our property,” continued Zayn, throat tight as he closed his eyes. “I saw a huge tent covering our backyard, reuniting our families together for a cheesy wedding. I saw pudgy little babies with your beautiful brown eyes and your stupid goofy smile.”

Zayn choked on the last few words, feeling the pressure of Liam’s head on his stomach disappear until his own name was breathed across his ear.

“Zayn c’mon, look at me,” Liam pleaded, fingers running along Zayn’s jaw in encouragement.

“Sorry,” mumbled Zayn, stomach caught in knots as he forced his eyes open, looking up to see Liam’s face inches from his own. “I shouldn’t have said all that.”

“I’m glad you did,” Liam said as he shook his head. “I’m not scared of the future, and neither should you.”

“But its part of the past,” Zayn argued, chuckling slightly when Liam rolled his eyes.

“Semantics,” muttered Liam, settling once more with his head pressed to Zayn’s stomach, mumbling in annoyance until Zayn started playing with his hair again. “I can’t remember my past with you and I can’t make myself remember, but at least I can’t forget my future or our future. That’s mine forever, its ours.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank Chronicler for the help with the plot :)

“Where are you taking me?” Zayn said as Liam’s hands settled on his hips, the blindfold over his eyes making him stumble with every step. “I swear to god if I fall, I’m going to kick your ass Liam.”  
  
“You’re so damn romantic,” sighed Liam, but his voice was tainted with laughter as he helped Zayn into the car, the click of the seating belt surprising Zayn.   
  
“Is the blindfold really necessary?” Zayn whined when Liam had rounded the car, starting the engine and driving off.   
  
“It’s not, I just like to annoy you,” laughed Liam, trying to avoid Zayn’s punch to his shoulder as Zayn ripped off the blindfold.   
  
“I hate you,” Zayn grumbled, rubbing his knee which he’d slammed in the doorway as he had tried to manoeuvre out of his flat earlier. “I could have really hurt myself.”  
  
“As if I’d allow that,” countered Liam, squeezing Zayn’s thigh which had Zayn shivering, leaning into the touch as he bit his bottom lip.  
  
Choosing to remain silent, Zayn hummed under his breath, inching his hand towards Liam’s own that still sat atop his leg to intertwine their fingers. From the corner of his eye he saw Liam glace his way, a giant smile on his face as he squeezed Zayn’s hand. It felt almost as if Liam was saying thank you for the touch, something comfortably vulnerable about his demeanour.   
  
Zayn knew how nervous Liam was about the date, about the prospect of starting a relationship that was new to both of them, that would render them equals in some weird shape or form. Deep down, Zayn knew he would always be one step ahead, Liam’s little quirks and charming habits something Zayn couldn’t just forget. There was too much about the past that Zayn remembered, things he could simply not forget that always made him wonder if the future was in fact a possibility. He wondered daily if he could build something truthful with Liam when the past lingered in his mind, when he questioned his own decisions, thinking every day that _this_ Liam might never be _his_ Liam.  
  
“I can’t believe it’s actually sunny,” Liam said once they turned out of town, heading east towards the rural country.   
  
“It’s nice,” agreed Zayn, closing his eyes as the sun shined against his skin, making him smile as Liam’s thumb ran circles into the back of his hand.   
  
By the time the car came to a stop, Zayn was almost asleep, lulled by the gentle sound of Liam’s melodic voice and the movement of the car, the soft touch against his hand that had his body buzzing with happiness.    
  
“Rise and shine, Sunshine,” whispered Liam, inches from Zayn’s ear as he licked a sloppy strip up his cheek, making Zayn grunt as he pushed at Liam’s chest.   
  
“Gross,” yelped Zayn, unbuckling his seat belt so he could follow Liam’s laughter outside, slightly blinded by the sheer brightness of the sun. “Where are we?”  
  
“Just outside of town,” explained Liam as he pulled out a box from the trunk of the car, walking up next to Zayn to nudged his shoulder. “I use to dream about this place when I woke up in the hospital. I couldn’t remember it, but somehow I knew exactly where it was.”   
  
“You’re safe place,” Zayn whispered, reaching out without thought to cling to Liam’s arm.   
  
“My what?” questioned Liam, looking down at Zayn, his brows furrowed in confusion.   
  
“You use to have a safe place,” breathed Zayn, taking a step forward as he took in the scenery, the lake with the apple trees that seems like utopia. “I never knew where it was but you described it to me. You use to come here when you needed time by yourself, usually after you spent a lot of time on base. I never actually thought I’d get to see this place.”   
  
“Well, you do,” smiled Liam, even though it was obvious he was struggling through something in his mind, lip caught between his teeth as he marched forward. “C’mon follow me.”   
Without another word, Zayn followed after Liam, feet catching in the elongated grass as they made their way towards the lake, a massive wooden deck coming into view. Zayn swallowed almost audibly when he realized that was exactly where Liam was heading.   
  
His footsteps soon resonated against the wood, the echo spreading over the calm water as anxiety gripped at Zayn’s throat.

“Can’t we stay by the shore,” Zayn asked when Liam settled a few feet away from the end of the dock, sitting down with his feet under himself as he gazed up at Zayn.

“What’s wrong with the dock?” Liam questioned, reaching out to offer his hand to Zayn who took it with reluctance, sitting down next to Liam until their bodies were almost touching.

“I can’t really swim,” muttered Zayn after a beat of silence, closing his eyes as the sight before him overwhelming his senses. There was barely any wood under him, suspended above water with only a few feet separating him from the water. He hated the sensation, being so close to deep water but he clung to Liam unconsciously, believing blindly that he would forever be safe with such a man beside him.

“You should have told me,” groaned Liam as he wrapped an arm around Zayn’s shoulders, bringing their bodies closer. “That makes this the worse date in history.”

“Does not,” Zayn chuckled, pressing his hand to Liam’s chest, feeling the man’s thumping heart under his hand. “Just need you to distract me, like tell me what’s in the box, yeah?”

Another groan slipped fron Liam’s mouth as he rubbed at his face, tightening his hold on Zayn. “Swim trunks, towels and sandwiches.”

Zayn couldn’t help the careless laugh that escaped him, muffling his sounds in Liam’s chest before pulling away. “You didn’t know, its ok. 

“I should have though,” muttered Liam as he untangled himself from Zayn, pacing the length of the dock, a new found frustration etching dark lines into his face. “It’s the type of things I should remember about you.”

Zayn didn’t deny it, knowing it was true, in fact he remembered telling Liam he couldn’t swim years ago.

“You once promised me you’d teach me,” Zayn sighed, standing as he reached for Liam’s hand, pressing his thumb into the paler skin to soothe Liam’s anger. It was difficult for Zayn to think about facing such a fear, the thought itself had him shivering but he pushed through his anxiety for Liam’s sake. “Maybe its time.”

“You don’t have to do this,” mumbled Liam, running his hand along Zayn’s jaw, fingers catching in the prickly stubble. “We can just eat and enjoy the sun.”

Shaking his head, Zayn took a step back, reaching into the box for a swim trunk before stripping his shirt. He saw the way Liam’s eyes widened in surprise, tracing the lines of his body. Trying not to shy away, Zayn smiled at the man he had loved for so long before offering him his back, pushing his pants down before slipping into the swimming trunks. 

When he turned around to face Liam again, the man’s mouth was agape, eyes wide as a deep blush spread across his cheeks. Trying not to smirk, overly pleased with himself, Zayn bent over to throw the other pair of swimming trunks to Liam. “C’mon, I’ll be rubbish at this so it’s going to take a lot of time.”

Immediately, Liam was grabbing the loose pair of pants, stripping clumsily as Zayn giggled, trying not to watch but failing desperately as his eyes lingered over Liam’s muscular body; every line of the man’s back rolling under the taunt skin, catching the sun in a glistening manner.

“Can we start in the shallow water?” Zayn asked when Liam was finally dressed, standing tall before him as they watched one another, breaking the trance they seemed to have fallen in.

“Of course,” nodded Liam, unconsciously reaching out as he wrapped his hand around Zayn’s hip, marching him down the dock, back towards the shore. The skin to skin touch was almost electrifying, both men sighing slightly at the contact as they moved in sync.

“Promise you won’t laugh when I cling to you and look like an idiot,” swallowed Zayn as they reached the shore, their feet sinking in the shallow waters, the cold liquid licking at their ankles.

“I could never laugh at you,” supplied Liam as he took a step forward, pulling Zayn along with him who went willingly, his steps uncertain as the water level rose around them.

“This is where I start to panic,” Zayn admitted when the water splashed against his chest, the entire bottom half of his body submerged in the murky water as he tightened his hold on Liam’s hand, taking a side step until he stood behind the man.

“Something bad happened to you?” Liam said, more of a fact than a question as he turned to face Zayn, hands falling along his shoulders, water trickling down his back as he looked up at Liam.

“I almost drowned as a kid,” he admitted with a shrug. “I don’t remember it much just darkness and cold, like breathing fire and choking.”

“No darkness or chocking today,” replied Liam as he forced a smile gesturing at the sky where the sun shinned brightly before kissing Zayn’s forehead.

Only then did Zayn realize how deep he was in the water, the lake’s content already at his shoulder. Liam’s words and presence seemed to have easily soothed him, unconsciously leading him further into the lake without any anxiety or panic.

Feet dragging along the sandy bottom of the lake, Zayn forced his eyes away from Liam, watching the calm waters around them, breathing in the peacefulness of it all as small patterns were traced along his back. He felt Liam’s hand settle at the bottom of his back, leading him further into the water until he could feel it wrapping around his throat.

“I don’t really want to go further,” Zayn realized after a second, pulling his hand out of the water to draw shiny words across Liam’s shoulder. “I don’t think I’m ready.”

Humming a short reply, Liam seemed to consider the words, hands still lingering along Zayn’s back as he swayed back and forth, shielding Zayn’s from the small ripples of water trying reach the shore.

For a minute Zayn felt guilty, thought that maybe he should just shut up and let Liam lead him into the deeper water but the thought had him panicking and he didn’t want to risk ruining their first date.

He wished for an instant he was braver, that he was more like Liam. His courageous Liam that had went to war without a single ounce of doubt, risking his live because he believed in what he fought for. And Zayn stood here, in the water, feeling a little stupid and cowardly, wanting to be as strong as Liam but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

After a minute, Liam smiled down at Zayn, kissing his forehead again before pulling him towards the dock. The water was not as deep near the structure, allowing Liam to approach the dock with ease, water now reaching around Zayn’s ribcage.

Without effort, Liam raised himself out of the water, his muscled arms glistening with water as his skin pulled across his body, an impressive display of strength. Once he was kneeling on the dock, he turned towards Zayn, coaxing him closer so he could help him out, lifting Zayn out of the lake as if he weighted nothing, settling him across his chest as they laid upon the warm wood.

Zayn couldn’t help the little squeal of surprise that slipped by his tongue as he clung to Liam, laughing in his chest as he hit the man’s shoulder. “A little warning would be nice next time.”

“I’ll try and remember that,” smiled Liam, wrapping a fluffy towel around Zayn’s shoulders, sitting right next to him so they were practically one over the other.

Both men seemed content with the silence, a light shiver spreading through Zayn’s body as he moved closer to Liam, seeking out warmth.

“I’ve never done that with anyone,” admitted Zayn, fingers clutches tightly in the soft material of the towel. “I could never bring myself to trust anyone enough.”

“But you trust me?” questioned Liam, a dark shadow crossing his face as he looked at the nearby apple trees. “Or you trust the me you use to know.”

The thought had Zayn’s stomach lurching, bile rising in his throat as images of _his_ Liam flashed through his mind.

“Its not that,” he whispered, barely audible above the chirping sound of nearby birds. “You’re still you, no matter what you don’t remember, you have this thing about you that makes me feel safe.” _That makes me feel at home_.

“I’ve never felt like this before,” Liam replied just as softly, reaching out to thumb Zayn’s fringe out of his face, the soft pads of his fingers lingering along Zayn’s forehead. “There’s something about you, about us together.”

“It just feels right,” they both said together, sudden tears filling Zayn’s eyes as Liam’s face turned into a surprised grin.

“You’ve said that before, when we first met,” Zayn said with a wobbly smile, reaching to wipe away his tears with the back of his hands, his heart beating frantically at the memory.

Blinking rapidly, his long lashes sticking together from his tears, Zayn brought his hand up to Liam’s face, cupping his jaw in awe at the man before him. “Do you remember what you did after?”

Without another word, Liam leaned in, attaching his lips to Zayn’s own, building a fiery kiss that remained soft with emotion yet strong with passion. It was a brush of mouths that was meant to be short, but soon became addictive, Liam’s hand running along the length of Zayn’s neck, holding them together until they both had to pull apart, breathless.

“I don’t know what I did last time,” conceded Liam, thumb brushing along the curve of Zayn’s naked shoulder, the sun shining across them, warming their encounter. “But there’s nothing else that makes sense to me right now. There’s this burning sensation inside of me, and nothing seems to appease it but you. When I kiss you, I feel as though the world is muted, put aside and held in time because there’s nothing else that matters.”

“Just you and me,” finished Zayn, more tears spilling down his face as he crawled into Liam’s lap, wrapping his arms around the man he loved so desperately, holding him to his heart until the world around them disappeared.

Maybe Liam couldn’t consciously remember them, couldn’t remember his own thoughts but the universe seemed to think they belonged together, cruelly using the same words for a second time in a lifetime.


	8. Chapter 8

It was drizzling lightly when they stepped into the theatre, people buzzing around them with excitement as they left the establishment, eyes dazed with the fantasy of images.

Zayn walked closely behind Liam, their hands brushing occasionally as they glanced at each other, smiling shyly as they entered the queue to buy tickets.

A week had past since their date by the lake, the memories of the day’s event still playing vividly through Zayn’s mind every night, his body thrumming with something he simply couldn’t name at its very thought.

Liam had been around all week, bringing ridiculous amounts of food at night when Zayn was too exhausted to cook after work, taking care of him and cuddling him as they watched old reruns on TV. Yet there was something different tonight, something special as they seemed enthralled by one another, smiles radiating with promises.

It was officially their second date, something not as risky, according to Liam, something traditional. “Every one goes to the movies,” Liam had explained when he’d asked Zayn out, promising this time there would be no open bodies of water.

It was somewhat amusing how seriously Liam took it all, his nerves peeking through his calm façade when he had picked Zayn up that very night. And Zayn had assured him all would be well, kissing his cheek lightly, allowing his fingers to linger along the lines of Liam’s back.

“We’ll be fine babe,” Zayn had promised, leading them down to the car, his own heart palpitating at the idea of spending ‘official’ date time with Liam.

He was still struggling with the changes in Liam, the differences between the past and the present, but being with Liam felt like breathing again. Sometimes it was only in the man’s little touch, the way his hand settled on Zayn’s hip briefly, or stroke down his arm. It was in the tone of his voice when he asked for the pepper, or the hum of his voice when showered. It was all little echoes to the past, that made Zayn hopeful, and yet there was always that little part of him that saw this Liam, the new Liam as someone better. There was a darkness about him that seemed to be removed, a weight lifted from his shoulders all until his memory struggled with the past.

However, Zayn could see himself falling in love with this man, little by little, getting attached to the smell in his home, the heat in his bed even if they only slept and barely touched. In moments like this one, where Liam smiled brighter than the sun itself, fingers twitching next to Zayn’s own, Zayn could properly see himself adding another ring to the man’s finger; a new ring to match their new beginning.

He wasn’t exactly unrealistic however. He knew perfectly well that it was too soon, that Liam was still only starting to understand their relationship, that this was only the first stages of dating.

Sliding his finger down Liam’s wrist, Zayn took hold of the man’s trembling hand, intertwining their fingers with an easy smile when Liam turned to look at him.

“Its just a movie babe,” whispered Zayn, pressing his forehead to Liam’s shoulder for a second. “Don’t be so nervous, we watch movies almost every night.”

“Its just different,” mumbled Liam as they reached the ticket stand, ordering two for the movie they had settled on, paying swiftly as he glared at Zayn who reached for his own wallet. “This is a date, I want it to be a good one.”

“Its always good when I’m with you babe,” winked Zayn, laughing when Liam blushed at the words, leading him towards the concession stand. “Can you get us some food while I go to the bathroom?”

“Sure,” Liam said as he nodded, swallowing audibly as he forced a smile.

Trying to ease the tension, hating to see Liam so obviously anxious, Zayn leaned up onto the tip of his toes, pressing a delicate kiss to Liam’s mouth.

“I’ll be right back,” he promised, turning away quickly, knowing if he allowed himself to linger in the warmth of Liam’s eyes they would surely end up missing their movie.

 

\--------

When Zayn returned, his hands cold from the water, smelling of itchy soap, he found Liam standing by the entrance, hands filled with sweets, still looking slightly nervous. Zayn took an extra few seconds to look at the man, to admire the strength of his build, broad shoulders standing so proud, his eyes softening his entire demeanour but his presence simply could not be denied.

There was something special about him, almost magnetic that had pulled Zayn in, a tug inside of his heart dragging him forth until he was inches away from Liam.

“You ready, babe?” Zayn asked, settling his hand at the bottom of Liam’s back, leading him towards their screening room as Liam nodded, following easily.

When they were sat, completely at the back, Zayn helped Liam unload all the packets of sweets and popcorn in his hands, chuckling with amusement at the sheer number of things he had bought.

“Are you scared we’ll starve or something?”Zayn asked as he ran his hand up Liam’s arm, comforted by the heat under the thin material of Liam’s shirt.

Shaking his head, Liam tried to hide his blush, turning away from Zayn as he coughed into his shoulder. “I didn’t really eat today, I was too nervous. I wanted things to work, to do something you’d enjoy, not like…swimming.”

Zayn couldn’t help the little skip of his heartbeat at the words, reaching out to slide his hand up and down Liam’s thigh in what he hoped was a soothing manner. “This is perfect,” he breathed, sitting back in his seat, blinding accepting a packet of sweets. “I love spending time with you, no matter what.”

Liam hummed in reply, his foot tapping against the butter stained popcorn carpet beneath their feet.

Sitting back, Zayn opened the bag in his hands, reaching in before popping a piece of chocolate in his mouth. Almost immediately he was sputtering, spitting the thing on the floor as Liam leaned over him with worry.

“What’s wrong babe?” Liam asked, voice dripping with worry as his fingers threaded through Zayn’s hair, pushing his fringe out of his eyes.

“Just swallowed wrong,” coughed Zayn, forcing a smile in Liam’s direction who frowned, eyes filled with uncertainty.

The lights around them closed, the film sparking in to play just in time for Zayn to hide the face he was making, looking down at the bag of sweets in his hands.

 _Peanut butter chocolate_ , read Zayn, groaning with disgust as he grimaced. He hated peanut butter more than anything in the world, hated the smell of it, the texture in his mouth and the horrendous taste that stuck to his tongue, reminding him of bullies and bloody days.

Its something the old Liam would have known, he himself refusing to even eat peanut butter after he had found out Zayn hated it so much.

The thought left a bitter taste in Zayn’s mouth, something more pungent than the peanut butter itself. He couldn’t help the tears that sprung to his eyes as he coward into the seat, pulling his legs to his chest so he could wrap his arms around them, a nauseous feeling settling at the bottom of his stomach as the movie start, loud voices resonating through his head. He could see Liam watching him from the side, worried glances, but Zayn chose to ignore them, keeping his eyes fixated on the screen before him.

Yet Zayn heard nothing but random sounds as the images splayed through the motions, no coherent thought making its way through his brain as he leaned his head onto Liam’s shoulder, trying to prevent the tears from streaking down his face.

This felt like a punch to his gut, a reminder that the past would never be again, that Zayn had to let go of his memories, had to stop expecting Liam to know things when he clearly did not. If he wanted the future to be a possibility, he had to open his heart, to shatter his own walls and stop holding onto past memories that would never be again.

The problem was, Zayn wasn’t entirely sure he could bring himself to do that, still too deeply attached to the man he had loved, to the man he had grieved for, he thought as he twirled the single band on his ring finger, a chocked cry stuck in his throat.

\------------

Nights like those led Zayn to question his entire relationship with Liam, it made him wonder if he was strong enough to do this, if he could go through this again.

Every time something happened, as small as it was, like Liam giving him peanut butter chocolate to eat, Zayn felt as though he was reliving Liam’s lost. The entire length of the movie, Zayn found himself barely able to breath, grieving for his Liam, desperately trying to hold on to the idea that Liam was alive and that was the best he could ask for, but there was always something missing, something that he just couldn’t surpass.

Zayn had spent the rest of the evening a little distant, forcing his way through the restaurant at Liam’s obvious worry. By the time the clock struck 10, he had feigned a stomach ache, excusing himself as he had retired home, a small parting kiss as a token of his apology.

It took almost three days before they talked again. Liam kept calling insistently, checking up on Zayn, making sure he was feeling better but Zayn just couldn’t bring himself to answer. He would reply with short text messages, promising he was ok, simply drowning in work for his up-coming presentation.

But by Friday night, he no longer had an excuse, his last presentation done. When there was a knock on his door around 4pm, he already knew he would find Liam standing behind it.

Pulling himself up from the couch, frowning at his own dirty attire of sweats and an old t-shirt, Zayn sighed as he walked towards the front door, wishing he knew how to face Liam in a situation like this.

Anything he could have come up with however was swept away once he pulled the door open, the man standing before him beyond huge as he smiled down at Zayn, something awfully odd on such a gigantic figure.

Liam smiled as he saw Zayn for the first time, his Hulk costume expanding over his shoulders as he pulled something out of his pants, waving them in Zayn’s face with adorable childish amusement.

“Comic-con?” Zayn said in awe, fingers sliding down the tickets Liam was holding. “Its been sold out for months!”

“I have my ways,” smiled Liam as he walked in, kissing Zayn’s forehead like nothing had ever happened, as if Zayn hadn’t been distant for days. “I brought you something, I hope you like it.”

“Why the Hulk?” Zayn asked as he accepted the box Liam handed him over, settling it on the table as he turned to watch Liam struggle to sit with the bulkiness of his costume. “You never liked him much.”

Shrugging, Liam dusted off his padded shoulders, smirking up at Zayn. “I know, but when I went to the store it’s the only one that seemed to make sense. Like, I couldn’t even consider buying any other.”

Zayn pretended Liam’s admission didn’t stir something inside of him, grinning back at the man sprawled across his couch in a costume he didn’t know was Zayn’s all time favourite comic character.

“What’s in the box?” Zayn asked as he ran his hands over the white cardboard, trying to calm the rising heat inside his stomach.

“Your costume, of course,” explained Liam as he stood, walking towards Zayn with an excited bounce in his step. “It starts in a few hours and I figured you wouldn’t have a costume on hand, so I got you one!”

Pulling the lid off, scrambling to throw the tissue paper away, Zayn almost yelped like a child when his eyes fell upon the batman costume, fingers tracing the logo of the chest plate.

“This is so cool,” laughed Zayn, voice radiating with something so cheerful, something he hadn’t heard in months. “Let me go change yeah?”

With a nod, Liam approached Zayn, wrapping his arms around the man’s waist for a light hug. “I’m so happy you’re doing this with me, I’ve always wanted to go to comic-con.”

“So have I, babe,” agreed Zayn, pulling away as he gripped the costume to his chest, walking backwards towards his bedroom. “Give me a minute.”

As he closed the door behind himself, Zayn couldn’t help but glow with happiness, his stomach filled with butterflies as he held on tightly to the costume.

He remembered the numerous nights he had spent awake with Liam, wrapped around one another as they watched countless marvel movies, dreaming of comic-con, dressing up and admiring different artists and cosplays. The artistic side had always captured Zayn’s attention, wanting to buy different storyboards from childhood comics he had praised for years. He also knew how Liam also preferred the fantasy of it all, the heroic sense to the stories. Together, they always wanted to spend days in a convention like this one, but every time one had come around, Liam had always been stuck on base, doing exercise and training for his next deployment.

Unconsciously, Liam had given Zayn the greatest of gifts, a piece of a memory he couldn’t actually remember but somehow knew, deep inside of him.

It had Zayn realize that the Liam he had loved was still there, the memories of their lives together hidden under a thick fog created by the explosion. But the fact that Liam remembered something, even though it was unconsciously, was not what mattered most to Zayn.

On the contrary, watching Liam show up on his doorsteps, days after being practically ignored, happier than ever with tickets to something they both loved, dressed as Zayn’s favourite character had raised something inside of Zayb. There was a new found fire burning inside him, something he’d experienced when he’d first met Liam, when he’d first fallen in love.

And now Zayn realized he was falling in love again, with the same man for the second time, and yet for a very different man. For a different Liam, but for all the right reasons.


	9. Chapter 9

Zayn’s smile hadn’t been this wide in years, his cheeks burning from the strain as he squealed, Liam taking the turn up the stairs a little sharply, almost sending Zayn flying off his back.

“Leeyummm,” laughed Zayn, tightening his hold around the other man’s neck, pushing his thighs tighter together even though Liam was holding on to him, climbing the staircase rapidly with Zayn on his back.

“I’m the Hulk babe, don’t worry,” Liam teased, letting out a roar that would no doubt have his neighbours complaining but Zayn only giggled in response, hiding his face in the crook of Liam’s neck.

Comic-Con had been the most amazing experience, filled with childhood heroes and comic books Zayn had simply drooled over. He’d spent hours going through different templates of comic books, awed by the drawings. Liam, who he knew barely had any interest in that aspect of Marvel, had stayed by his side, smiling widely every time Zayn rambled on about something being cool.

In fact Liam hadn’t done much apart from smiling, dragging Zayn through the different exhibitions, a permanent grin plastered to his face. Every time he moved, he would clutch Zayn’s hand, their fingers intertwined making them an odd couple. But in a place like Comic-con, seeing the Hulk and Batman hold hands wasn’t the weirdest of things.

As they finally reached the proper landing, Liam stopped before his front door, groaning as he tried to take his keys out without dropping Zayn. Amused, Zayn started pressing hot open mouth kisses to Liam’s neck, moaning against the man’s skin exaggeratedly.

“You won’t be moaning when I drop you,” whined Liam when Zayn bit into his shoulder, causing Liam to fumble with the keys, almost dropping them.

Humming an apology, Zayn wiped his face with the back of his hand, realizing he was covered in green paint. By then, Liam had managed to open the front door, kicking off his shoes as he carried Zayn to the bedroom.

“You’re such a brat,” Liam grunted as he dropped Zayn onto the bed, cackling when Zayn let out a high pitched squeal at the sudden fall.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Zayn said, rubbing his elbow as if he’d been hurt, but the smirk on his face obviously proved different. He liked messing with Liam a little, enjoyed seeing the other man worry about him and cuddle him when he realized Zayn was only teasing.

However, Liam was having none of his antics today, rolling his eyes as he turned towards the bathroom. He came back a few minutes later, the green paint scrubbed off his face, revealing bright red cheeks.

“Can you please undo this costume, its itchy as hell, I’m going insane,” mumbled Liam, running his hand along the back of his head, scratching his scalp as he offered Zayn his back.

Rising onto his knees, Zayn crawled towards the edge of the bed, easing the zipper of the costume down to liberate Liam. Unnecessarily, he ran his hand down the other man’s naked back, awed at the heat against his palm. Liam pulled the material down his own arms as Zayn kept touching his back, subconsciously leaning in to press his lips to Liam’s neck.

“That tickles,” Liam sighed as he turned around, pushing Zayn back onto the mattress, ridding him of his Batman mask before kissing him. Opening his legs, to accept Liam’s large frame between them, Zayn groaned at the pressure of the other man’s body, running his tongue along Liam’s lips.

“Thank you,” whispered Zayn after a beat of silence, running his hands along Liam’s naked back to sink his nails down gently. “Today was the best.”

“I had so much fun,” added Liam, grazing his nose up and along the underside of Zayn’s jaw until he could whisper in his ear, “you looked sexy as hell in that costume.”

“Oh really,” Zayn snorted, running his fingers through Liam’s gelled hair. “Is that one of your fantasies, fucking Batman?”

Shrugging, Liam kept skimming his lips across Zayn’s neck, pressing soft kisses as he went. “He’s not really in my top three.”

“Who is then?”Zayn asked, gently tugging at Liam’s hair, earning a groan as the man leaned away on his elbow, biting down on his plump bottom lip. “C’mon, it can’t be that bad.”

“You,” breathed Liam, looking away immediately, tugging at a ripped piece of clothe from his half removed costume. “You’re all I see when I close my eyes.”

“Liam,” tried to interrupt Zayn, but his voice was too small to be noticed.

“I know it might sound weird,” continued the other man, allowing his fingers to graze Zayn’s arm. “I just, I want to be with you like that.”

It took a second for Zayn to grasp completely what Liam was saying, a haze lifting in his brain as he stumbled to follow. The thought of being intimate with Liam again was something he’d thought about, of course, but he hadn’t actually anticipated it happening anytime soon.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” Zayn breathed out, closing his eyes as he felt Liam lean closer to him, the touch on his arm becoming stronger, comforting. “Fuck, I want to so much but I just can’t sleep with you yet.”

“I know,” replied Liam easily, a sad smile in his voice, making Zayn open his eyes. He came face to face with Liam’s green covered face grinning at him softly, warm brown eyes beaming with a cautious happiness. “I’d like to keep kissing you though.”

Unable to respond, the thought of being with Liam again still too fresh in mind, Zayn simply nodded, reaching out to cup Liam’s jaw, bringing their mouths together slowly. The kiss reminded him of the first they shared after meeting again, fumbled and emotional, yet clinging to one another.

In minutes Zayn found himself lying on his back with Liam over him, their costumes stripped to the side as they explored each other’s bodies with lingering hands. They shared slow gentle kisses, something that ignited a fire deep inside Zayn as his touches became a little more demanding, his fingers digging in Liam’s back, leaving desperate marks.

Nothing but the sound of their panting mixing together in a melodic rhythm could be heard as Liam started grinding into him, the cradle of Zayn’s legs a perfect fit for the other man’s narrow hips.

“Maybe we could,” started Zayn, gasping out loud when Liam sucked a bruise into his neck. “Maybe we could try something.”

“Like what,” Liam mumbled against the heat of Zayn’s skin, lips dragging slowly across his collarbone.

Grunting at the touch, hips rocking on their own accord with every one of Liam’s movements, Zayn found himself all but begging for Liam to continue, his thoughts almost forgotten until Liam asked again.

“Like what, babe,” whispered Liam right into Zayn’s ear, his breath hot as it fanned over Zayn’s ear, making him shiver.

“Maybe we could like do this without clothes, not sex, just...us,” Zayn managed to say, not entirely certain how coherent he sounded, his mind simply fogged with too many possibilities to care.

Having Liam touch him like this brought back so many memories but he tried to push those away, focusing on the man that was with him now. The way Liam pulled away, staring at him with wide eyes, a bright blush on his chubby cheeks had Zayn breathless. He pushed his shaking palm along the curve of Liam’s shoulder, clasping the back of his neck to bring their foreheads together.

“I swear I’m only thinking of you, this Liam.”

“I know,” promised Liam, pecking Zayn’s lips, a sudden tremble added to his touch.

Liam’s large hands started to undo Zayn’s costume quickly as he watched, anxiety settling in his stomach as the material was stripped from his body. He hadn’t been with anyone in over two years, always weighed down by the ring on his finger and the heaviness in his heart. Yet, for the first time in forever, he felt almost weightless with Liam’s lips attached to his skin, dragging desperate moans from deep inside him.

When he was finally naked, sprawled out underneath Liam as the man removed his own underwear, Zayn found himself smiling, tugging on the necklace around his neck that held Liam’s ring. He remembered the man before him, the same nervous excitement lighting Liam’s face the first time, although now there were small curls bouncing on the top of his head, making him look even more puppy like. The scars that ran up Liam’s strong arms, lighter than his usual skin tone reminded Zayn that this was in fact a different man, someone new that he was quickly falling in love with. For the first time since he’d found Liam again, Zayn felt as though he was entitled to a new beginning, that the past wasn’t only there to hinder him.

Wrapping his hand around Liam’s dog tags, Zayn pulled the other man down, allowing Liam to hover centimetres from his lips.

“Scared?” he found himself asking, knowing perfectly well that metaphorically, this was Liam’s first time. But as usual, Liam only smiled, his eyes crinkling at the side as he kissed the tip of Zayn’s nose.

“I’m ready,” assured Liam, grinding down into Zayn as if to prove his point, earning himself a filthy moan as Zayn reached between them, taking hold of Liam’s hardening erection, giving it a few tugs.

Immediately, Liam was reduced to grunts as he started rocking into Zayn’s touch, fumbling to keep himself up as he ran an uncertain hand over Zayn’s dick. Giving him a reassuring nod, Zayn rolled his hips, sinking his fingers further into Liam’s back, gasping when Liam tightened his hold on him.

Within minutes he was panting loudly, marking up Liam’s back with what he was certain would bruise later but the other man didn’t seem to notice, solely focused on Zayn, making him feel like the most important thing in the world.

“Can I?” Liam asked, his fingers trailing down Zayn’s balls, circling his hole that fluttered at the touch.

Without needing time to think, Zayn nodded, dragging Liam down into a scorching kiss, pouring his soul into every swipe of his tongue until Liam pulled away, a small smirk spreading across his face.

“I like you desperate like this,” teased the larger man, bringing his fingers up to Zayn’s mouth, tapping his lip until he opened, knowing exactly what to do. He sucked on Liam fingers, exaggerating a moan as he fluttered his eyelashes, working a smirk around the man’s digits.

“Tease,” muttered Liam, sliding his fingers out slowly but keeping eye contact with Zayn as he reached between Zayn’ legs, pushing in the first finger but meeting a little resistance. It took a few seconds for Zayn to adjust to the pressure inside him, no longer used to opening himself up to anyone. He could see Liam frowning above him, waiting until Zayn nodded, pushing in further, this time with more ease.

A choked sob echoed between them as Liam kept pushing his finger in, his own erection seemingly forgotten as he kept watching Zayn’s face. After a few seconds of seemingly struggling to push his finger deeper, Zayn's face contorting into a grimace, Liam pulled out his fingers. He leaned over Zayn's body, reaching into the night table only to come back with a brand new bottle of lube, slicking up his fingers easily before penetrating Zayn again. Having Liam push back inside of him the second time felt like pure bliss, as Zayn groaned, rocking his hips with the movement, entirely captivated by the way Liam was looking at him. The other man simply looked starved, gasping for air as if Zayn was the oxygen he needed to breathe. No longer able to stand the way Liam looked at him, as if he was giving him his world, Zayn closed his eyes, blindly seeking out Liam’s mouth as he rolled his hips, fucking himself onto Liam’s hand.

In no time, Liam had managed to push in a second finger, now grinding down his own erection against Zayn’s hip, adding to the sensations as Zayn got lost in his own head, heat enveloping his every sense as everything inside of him screamed for Liam.

There was nothing on his tongue other than Liam’s name, his harsh breath fanning across the crook of Liam’s neck, sending a visible shiver down his body. And when Liam finally curled his finger just right, pushing directly up against Zayn’s prostate, Zayn lost the little coherence he had left, hands fisted tightly in the sheets beneath him as he groaned out loudly.

“Never thought you were this loud,” Liam whispered in the shell of his ear, nibbling on his lobe as he kept finger fucking Zayn, adding yet another finger, now knowing exactly where to push to have Zayn gasping for air.

In that moment, it was as if Liam had always known how to pull Zayn apart, to strip him of all his insecurities and the walls he’d built, revealing the soft spoken and caring person beneath. In that moment, Zayn felt like he belonged to Liam, that the shared parts of their hearts that had been drowning in separate oceans for years were finally reaching the surface, melting back together and into one.

“Liam,” cried Zayn when the man’s large hand wrapped around his dick, the double sensation sending him over the edge as he came in long strips across his stomach, most of it sticking all over Liam’s hand.

When Liam finally removed his fingers from inside him, Zayn whined into his neck, exhausted from the orgasm but now wanting nothing more than to return the favor. Pushing at the other man’s shoulder until he was flat on his back, Zayn straddled Liam’s hips, brushing his knuckles along Liam’s straining erection which twitched at the touch.

Biting at his bottom lip, looking down at Liam seductively, Zayn pulled the larger man’s hand up to his mouth, sucking on Liam’s come soaked fingers slowly, as he wrapped his other hand around Liam’s dick. It felt intimate, Liam’s eyes widening in awe and in all fairness, Zayn knew he was cheating, using his knowledge of Liam’s previous enjoyments to turn him on.

Being his usual playful self, Liam snapped back to reality quickly, teasing Zayn’s nipple with his free hand until Zayn stopped sucking on his fingers, gasping at the sting.

“You should get a nipple ring,” Liam muttered, as he twisted Zayn’s nipple, grinning when Zayn threw his head back, biting down on his lip to prevent an embarrassing sound to escape him.

“Maybe,” Zayn acknowledged as he slid down Liam’s body, breathing over the other man’s erection, taking a few little licks to tease Liam further. He hadn’t planned for tonight to go this far, in fact he hadn’t planned to do anything more than kiss Liam goodnight but now that it was happening, Zayn wanted to make Liam’s first time memorable.

Yet it seemed there wasn’t much to do, the simple touch of his hand running up Liam’s thigh over the bristle hair had Liam begging, his entire body vibrating. Amazed at how much his touch affected Liam’s body, Zayn took the head of the other man’s cock into his mouth, working his tongue around it before pushing himself down. He mewled softly around Liam when demanding fingers threaded through his long hair, pulling and pushing as Liam babbled incoherently. The only thing that seemed to make sense to Zayn’s ears was his own name, ringing in the air repeated as he sucked Liam down, opening up his throat, choking lightly from the lack of practice.

Before he could pull back, Liam was coming down his throat a warning on his lips that came too late, leaving Zayn gagging around him. Breathing heavily through the intrusion, Zayn closed his eyes, trying to enjoy the taste of Liam against his tongue which he’d missed, tears forming in his eyes from the strain but also from the memories.

By the time Liam’s hips stopped pushing up, Zayn was exhausted, his throat feeling raw. He fell limp against Liam’s hip as he sloppily pulled off his cock, nuzzling into the other man’s sweat skin.

“I’m so sorry,” groaned Liam, as he pulled Zayn up his chest, who allowed himself to be moved easily, his body feeling like a wet noodle.

With a dopey smile, Zayn only shook his head, pressing his face into Liam’s chest, the short hair there tickling his nose.

“Was like, the best day ever,” murmured Zayn, his eyes closing as he allowed the glowing feeling to wash over him, solely focused on Liam’s heartbeat and the small touch grazing along his naked hip.

“Yeah it was,” Liam agreed, his fingers working their way up Zayn’s chest, twirling the ring on Zayn’s necklace that had once been his. “It felt like how it was supposed to be.”

Nodding, Zayn sighed, cuddling closer into Liam, ignoring the bitter taste on his tongue, refusing to let the past ruin this moment. It was time to make new memories after all.


	10. Chapter 10

Zayn woke to an annoying blaring sound that reminded him of his school days, the constant ring in his ear making him groan with annoyance. He pushed slightly at Liam side, smiling as his hands slid down the other man’s narrow waist.

“Babe, your alarm’s ringing,” he mumbled, pressing his lips to Liam’s neck, bathing in the heat of the other’s body.

“That’s your phone Zayn,” replied Liam, wrapping his arm around Zayn’s waist with obviously no intention of letting him answer it. “It’s been ringing all morning, I’m surprised it hasn’t woken you till now.”

“You exhausted me,” Zayn chuckled, hiding his face into Liam’s chest, skimming his fingers in non committed patterns along Liam’s stomach. “Last time I slept this good was before you left for tour.”

Immediately he felt Liam’s entire body tense as the other man pulled away, rolling onto his back until they were no longer touching.

“I’m sorry,” tried to apologize Zayn, but instantly Liam’s fingers were tracing up his arm reassuringly.

“It’s fine,” Liam muttered as he threw an arm over his eyes, breathing heavily. His strong able fingers kept ghosting across Zayn’s forearm, tickling him slightly. “Still kinda struggling with not remembering.”

Humming as a sign of his understanding, Zayn leaned forward, pressing a delicate kiss to the naked skin in the middle of Liam’s chest. “We’ll get there, plus we have new memories.”

A wide smile spread across Liam’s face at the words, his large hand wrapping around Zayn’s wrist, pulling him forth until he was lying almost completely over Liam.

“You were amazing, I never thought it could be like this,” Liam sighed, pulling his arm away from his eyes to look down at Zayn, admiration and love shining brightly.

Swallowing audibly, Zayn forced a smile, grateful when his phone started ringing again. He scrambled away from Liam, reaching into the pocket of the batman costume to retrieve the device. It’s not that he didn’t reciprocate Liam’s feelings, or his look, on the contrary, Zayn was simply afraid of what he’d admit if he looked at Liam any longer.

“Hello?” he answered blindly, forcing a smile in Liam’s direction who was spread out on the bed, the blankets drawn barely over his hips, showing off his amazing muscled body.

It was hard for Zayn to concentrate on the faceless voice on the other end of the line, his entire mind simply busy memorizing every inch of Liam’s body again.

Eventually a slur of angry swears made Zayn blink back to reality as he listened to the person on the other line.

“Zayn, you shower of cunt, where are you?” the irish voice all but yelled into the phone.

Zayn recognized Niall’s accent right away, his brain running a hundred miles an hour as he shuffled around, desperate for a calendar.

“No you’re kidding, today isn’t the 12th,” he groaned into the phone, tripping over his own feet as he reached the kitchen, the calendar on the refrigerator clearly stating today was in fact the 12th.

“You’re damn right it is you bloody arsehole, and I’ve been waiting in this bloody airport for hours.”

“I’m on my way,” promised Zayn, clicking the conversation shut immediately, knowing Niall would have nothing nice to say at the moment. He hurried back into Liam’s room, stopping dead in his tracks when he found Liam naked in bed, slowly stroking his cock.

“Get back in bed,” groaned Liam, biting his bottom lip, looking like the most beautiful thing in the world. For an instant, Zayn actually considered forgetting about Niall and getting back into bed but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. Niall had always been there for him, the best of friends when Zayn was absolutely shit to him, and now it was his turn to return the favor.

“I can’t,” grumbled Zayn as he turned around, scavenging through Liam’s drawers, grabbing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. “I forgot my mate’s plane was coming in today, he’s waiting at the airport for me.”

“A friend?” Liam asked, his voice suddenly weary, making Zayn miss the needy, sexy tone already. “Did I know him, before?”

As he pulled on Liam’s t-shirt, Zayn turned around, facing Liam as he shook his head. “You didn’t”.

Liam seemed to consider the answer for a minute, no longer touching himself as he reached for the blanket, covering himself. His entire happy demeanor seemed to drain away as we watched Zayn slip into the baggy sweats.

“I thought you didn’t know anyone in town, that you were too busy with work,” questioned Liam, a waiver to his voice that made Zayn horribly uncomfortable.

“It’s not what you think,” replied Zayn quickly, advancing so he could press a soft kiss to Liam’s forehead. “I’ll explain when we get back, I promise. Just make sure you have some beer in the fridge by the time I get back.”

Being the accepting, loving person he was, Liam nodded without further question, forcing a smile as he pulled Zayn down.

“Don’t be long yeah?” he breathed across Zayn mouth, brushing their lips until Zayn kissed him, getting lost in the moment.

When Zayn pulled away, he was a little breathless, his mind fogged with desire as he moved away from Liam. “I’ll be as quick as I can,” he said as he backed away, carefully watching Liam’s face, looking for clues of his emotions.

Yet, Liam remained static, a forced smile on his face until Zayn turned the corner out the door. He tried to ignore the sudden knots in his stomach, remembering how he had promised himself he’d tell Liam about Niall before the other actually got here. However Zayn had gotten so distracted by comic-con that the idea had completely slipped his mind.

all but ran to his car, struggling with the idea of telling Niall what had happened, but even more so Liam.

Hurrying, Zayn started the engine of his car, turning right into traffic as he sped through the streets towards the airport, hoping that Liam wouldn’t completely freak out when he explained how exactly he had met Niall.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

****  
** **

Zayn’s entire body was buzzing with a nervous feeling as he prepared a sandwich for Niall, hearing the irish accent echoing through Liam’s apartment as Niall chattered aimlessly with Liam.

Zayn couldn’t help but take his time, something in his gut telling him this was a shit idea. He was afraid that revealing his spotty past might scare Liam away, possibly freak him out to a point Zayn knew the other man wouldn’t return. Guilt was never something Liam dealth very well with.

Truth was, Zayn knew how dependant he had been of Liam before he left for tour, knew how much his entire life revolved around spending a maximum amount of time with Liam. His class schedule had been made so he had friday and the weekend off to spent with Liam. And his Monday morning class could also be retaken on Thursday nights if Liam got to spend more time off base.

When all that normality, the routine and all had been ripped away from Zayn, he hadn’t dealt with it very well, barely passing his classes to obtain his diploma. He had managed push to through, to get the damn piece of paper because he had promised Liam to do so, but after that, things had gone downhill.

Sighing, Zayn cut Niall’s sandwich in half, grabbing the plate as he walked back towards the living room, handing the plate over to the blond before sitting down next to Liam. He kept a safe distance between Liam and himself, uncertain how this whole thing was about to go down.

As usual though, Niall was smiling, his laughter his most prominent feature as he told Liam some random barman story that had the bigger man chuckling.

“I swear it was so gross,” finished Niall as he bit into his sandwich, washing it down with a dark amber beer that Liam had kindly offered him barely seconds after he had walked through the door.

“Sounds horrible,” Liam agreed, leaning back into the seat, his hand reaching out for Zayn’s own, who couldn’t help but flinch at the touch. Immediately, Liam’s face fell as he returned his hand to his lap, frowning.

“Can’t believe you’re alive,” Niall muttered after a minute, the silence in the room deafening. “Can’t believe this fucking tosser didn’t tell me the love of his life was alive.”

“Niall,” warned Zayn, suddenly standing as he walked towards his mate, kicking his foot when Niall looked up at him with a questioning look. “It’s complicated ok?”

“You make shit complicated, Zee,” whined Niall, dragging Zayn down over him. “Think you better tell Liam we never slept together before he beats me ass.”

“I wouldn’t,” argued Liam quickly, his cheeks flushed bright red, hands clasped into tight fists upon his lap as he watched Zayn squirm away from Niall.

“Niall kinda saved my life,” Zayn blurted out leaning his forearms on his knees as he closed his eyes. He could see himself so clearly in his mind, drunk off his ass for the x number of time that week, stumbling through the bar with a sleazy man attached to his hip. The man had been buying him drinks from the minute he had walked in, his plan to get in Zayn’s pants completely obvious. Back then though, Zayn hadn’t cared, wanting nothing more than to drown his anger and pain in alcohol, to numb his feelings with whatever he could.

“When I thought you died, I started drinking a bit,” started explaining Zayn but was quickly interrupted by Niall.

“If you’re going to do this, be fucking honest Zee,” Niall said as he rolled his eyes, punching Zayn’s shoulder who glared back at him.

“Fine,” grumbled Zayn, rubbing at his face before looking up at Liam. The look of complete fear and distraught on the other man’s face had Zayn’s stomach churning as he stood, quietly taking a seat next to Liam once more. “I started drinking a lot, and men started approaching me, getting me drunk and um..touching me on the dance floor. I never did anything with them but I was so fucked and emotionally wrecked that I didn’t care what happened to me.”

“Zayn..” whispered Liam reaching out for Zayn’s hand which he accepted grateful, intertwining their fingers until his skin turned white.

“Just let me finish,” he breathed out, a hiccup in his voice as he tried to contain his tears. He could see Niall sitting on the other couch sipping his beer, giving him an encouraging smile. “One night, there was a guy that was particularly pushy and Niall kinda kicked him out the bar, had me sober up in the backstore and walked me home.”

“More like dragged you,” supplied Niall, throwing a piece of bread at Zayn that simply ignored him.

“Niall was the barman at the bar I used to go. From that night on, he started cutting me off, making sure I got home ok, and then just showing up with breakfast and all,” continued Zayn. He remembered waking up to Niall sleeping on the floor next to him, or waking up to the smell of eggs and hasbrown. He had barely known Niall by then, nothing more than a name and a phone number, but every night, Niall took care of him as if they had been friends forever and Zayn knew how much he owed him.“If it was anyone but Niall it probably would have been creepy.”

“Oi!”

“Shut up, you know it was creepy,” sighed Zayn rubbing the tears away from his eyes. “Anyways, Niall made sure I was alright, and then he kinda just stuck around.”

“No one can resist the charm of the irish,” laughed Niall, the cackle of his laughter stinging the silent air between them.

For a second Liam simply sat next to Zayn in silence, his chest heavy with deep breaths. It took every ounce of restraint Zayn had not to question Liam, but he also knew Liam needed time to process all of this. Being the amazing person he was, Zayn knew Liam would be blaming himself for any harm his “death” had caused Zayn. Maybe even more so after last night.

“Thank you for taking care of him,” smiled Liam, his voice raw as he stood. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Before Zayn could say anything, he heard the bathroom door click shut. He released the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding, groaning into his fist as he felt Niall sit next to him.

“He’s alive,” repeated Niall, smoothing circles down Zayn’s back, but Zayn could hear the restraint in the other’s voice.

“Say what you have to say,” muttered Zayn as he stood, pacing the length of the living room, bending over to run his fingers through Loki’s fur even if the dog was sleeping, paying him no attention.

“Why the fuck didn’t he come back for you? What the fuck happened since I left and why the hell haven’t you called me to tell me he was back?” Niall asked, his words all clamping together in Zayn’s mind as he watched the sun disappear behind dark clouds, the light in the room dimming significantly.

Just as Zayn was about to reply, Niall threw him a couch cushion. “And don’t say its complicated,” added the irish lad, cocking his head when Zayn glared at him.

“He doesn’t remember,” Zayn said as he turned away, crossing his arms as he sat next to Loki. He used the dog as a buffer, trying to reign in his emotions. “He doesn’t remember me, or anything that happened between us. We met by complete fucking chance and I got so caught up in him, I forgot to call you. When he’s around me...I lose it Niall, he’s everything and I fell for him so fucking easily again. I’m so in love with him that the world around me just disappears.”

“You’re fucking kidding,” muttered Niall, sliding to the floor until he was sitting next to Zayn.

Next thing he knew, Niall was wiping away tears he hadn’t realized had fallen down his cheeks, breathing through his emotions as Niall tried to encourage him.

“This shit only happens in movies Zee, if you found him its because you were meant to be.”

“But I’m fucking scared,” Zayn cried, muffling his tears in Niall’s shirt as he clung to his friend, the smell of beer and Axe making his head swim. “There’s so much he will never remember, so much that’s different between us that fucks me up.”

“Yet you love him,” added Niall like it was the simplest thing in the world, his words soothing to Zayn’s heart yet conflicting every part of his mind.

“I’ll always love him,” sobbed Zayn, pulling away, rubbing at his face. “When we met Niall, I was a shadow of who I really am. Ever since I found him again, I just fucking feel normal. I cry all the time and worry like an idiot but I feel..complete inside. Its the cheesiest shit ever but its true.”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Liam’s voice came through Zayn’s mind perfectly clear, making his head snap up in it’s direction. Liam stood behind the couch, his eyes puffy and red, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he looked down at the floor, anxiety radiating off of him.

“What did you say?” Zayn said, wanting to be sure he hadn’t imagined the words. His heart racing as he stumbled to his feet, ignoring the smirk on Niall’s face.

**“I think I’m in love with you,” Liam repeated, not a hint of hesitation in his tone.**  



  
---


	11. Chapter 11

Zayn was sitting on an over stuffed couch, sweaty palms running continuously over his jeans clad thighs. He couldn’t help but drag his feet over the thick carpet, stepping on his own toes as a distraction. Liam’s presence near him at least had a calming effect, the warmth of the other man seeping through his clothes, and into his skin.

“It’s gonna be fine,” promised Liam for the fifteenth time that day as he reached out for Zayn’s hand, covering it with his own in a show of comfort.

Forcing a smile, Zayn turned his head slowly in Liam’s direction in efforts to assure him he was ok. After all, he was the one that was supposed to be here to support Liam.

“I’m sorry for the delay,” said a short man as he waked through the door, taking a seat opposite Zayn and Liam as he looked up from a notebook, smiling wickedly. “It’s good to see you again Liam and I’m glad you brought a friend.”

Coughing, Liam palmed the back of his head, running his hand along his neck as Zayn watched, remaining silent because nothing about this was about him.

“This is Zayn,” Liam muttered as he squeezed Zayn’s hand, his fingers digging into the soft skin. 

“Oh, It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” replied the other man, settling in his seat more comfortably. “As you might know, my name is Louis Tomlinson, but please just call me Louis. I’m Liam’s therapist.”

“I know,” Zayn said, nodding his head carefully.

It had been Liam’s idea to bring him here, claiming it would probably help and obviously Zayn had accepted without missing a beat. It had been almost two weeks since Liam had blurted out he was in love with Zayn, two weeks of Zayn pacing his flat and having Niall glare at him every single minute of the day.

Truth was, he had been unable to say it back, unable to formulate the words when they were directed towards Liam and not simply said out loud. Zayn had realized that in his fucked up mind there was a huge difference between admitting he still loved Liam and telling Liam he was in love with him. Because deep down Zayn knew there was a difference between his love for Liam now and what he had felt before the accident and that change was what scared him.

He wondered deep down what it meant that he could forget the old Liam so easily, that he could fall so freely for the new one. In all honesty he felt guilty for his actions, and as stupid as he knew that sounded, he receded into himself, only exposing parts of his emotions to Liam.

“Liam here has told me a lot about you and your unconventional connection, I thought bringing you here might help Liam in his development. Maybe kick start his memory back into order,” explained Louis, looking directly at Zayn before writing something down, making Zayn wince as he wondered what exactly the therapist was jotting down.

“I’ll do whatever I can to help Liam,” Zayn simply stated, running smooth circles along the back of Liam’s hand with his thumb. He could feel his own heart thumping loudly, a ringing sound filling his ears as he waited for the doctor to speak. But the short man only smiled, scribbling something in his note book again as his eyes fell upon their joined hands.

For some reason, Zayn felt as though he should pull away, hated the fact that everything he said and done was being analysed but he didn’t remove his hand from Liam’s, reminding himself that all of this was for Liam’s benefit.

“Tell me how you’ve been Liam,” Louis finally asked, pulling them out of the awkward silence as Zayn turned once again to face Liam.

“Good,” mumbled Liam immediately, eyes grazing along the carpet as if he didn’t want to face his therapist.

“Any nightmares since last week?”

“Nightmares?” questioned Zayn rapidly, but immediately regretting it. He knew he was mostly here to listen, and yet the fact that Liam hadn’t told him he was having nightmares felt like being stabbed in the gut.

“Have you not told your partner about your nightmares?”

With a sigh, Liam shrugged, looking out the window before shaking his head. “I didn’t think it was important. Zayn and I already have a lot to deal with and I didn’t want to add to it. And I don’t really have the nightmares when he’s around. I used to feel panicked before I went to bed and those were the nights I had nightmares but I never feel like that with Zayn.”

Nodding, Louis seemed to assess Liam’s emotional reaction to the words before writing something down. “How do you feel when Zayn is there?”

“At peace,” Liam said instantly as if it was the only possible answer, before shrinking into himself, a bright red blush spreading over his cheeks.

Unable to stop himself, Zayn leaned towards Liam, running his foot along the back of Liam’s calf. He wanted nothing more than to cuddle into Liam’s side but he kept his distance, encouraging Liam to go on.

“I’ve said this before, but its still true. How Zayn makes me feel has never really made any sense. Since the first time I met him, I felt calmer, more at peace. After the accident, there was always that buzzing feeling that ran through my body, like a restless sensation where I could never relax but now that dies out when Zayn is there. Its like he sucks all the bad things I can’t remember out, he absorbs them and just soothes me.”

“That’s good,” Louis said as he shuffled slightly in his seat, hands clasped in front of him. “I don’t want to play devil’s advocate here but I’m going to ask you a hard question Liam.”

Instantly, Liam’s entire body seemed to tense, only calming once Zayn resumed gently rubbing the back of Liam’s hand.

“We talked last week about your feelings for Zayn and you admitting you were in love with him, yes?”

“Yes,” groaned Liam, closing his eyes, obviously uncomfortable.

“Do you think your love for Zayn is genuine or when you think of it, is it deeply associated with that soothing feeling?” Louis asked, eyes never leaving Liam.

Zayn couldn’t help but feel slightly nauseated at the question, his stomach suddenly in knots as he waited patiently for Liam’s answer.

For a minute Liam seemed lost for words, his brows knitted as he concentrated on the floor before him. He seemed disoriented, his bottom lip shaking as he ran a hand over his face, rubbing at his eyes before taking a deep breath.

“I can’t say its not part of it. From the beginning..there was always that soothing feeling, it helped me be attracted to him, helped me listen to his story about us, like before I forgot. But I don’t think its all of it, I mean my heart races and I smile like an idiot when he’s around and its not because I feel soothed, but more like ..I feel excited, light headed. I don’t know. It’s kinda hard to describe love isn’t it?”

“Definitely,” smiled Zayn as he shuffled closer to Liam, no longer pretending that this wasn’t in fact affecting him. He curled his arm around himself , settling his and Liam’s intertwined fingers in the other man’s lap.

“Do you feel like you’ve progressed over the last week Liam?” asked Louis, breaking through Zayn’s tunnel vision as he turned towards the therapist, frowning slightly.

He couldn’t help but feel as though Louis was trying to make Liam question anything good in his life and rationally, Zayn knew that that was the entire point of therapy but still he felt aggravated as Liam struggled to answer.

“I’m happier, I think,” mumbled Liam, his voice small as he coughed into his fist. “There’s always a churning feeling in my stomach that I think will never go away, or maybe it will one day. Like, maybe if I remember.”

There was another pause as Louis wrote something down in his notes yet again, his foot bouncing lightly, catching Zayn’s attention.  He was starting to feel restless as he curled closer into Liam’s body, hoping the session was soon over so they could go home.

As much as he understood the help this process could offer Liam, Zayn grew more and more uncomfortable with each question. Even though the answers Liam gave warmed Zayn’s heart, he felt slightly robbed of the romantic aspect of the conversation. They were words with such, depth and power, such meaning that he felt they should be said in a different context.

“Last question,” assured Louis as he smirked in Zayn’s direction before turning his attention back to Liam. “Do you still want to remember?”

Quickly, Liam opened his mouth but closed it again, biting down on his bottom lip as if stopping the words from tumbling off his tongue. “I don’t know,” he admitted, his voice shaking with uncertainty. “I’m happy as I am, and I’m scared that remembering might ruin it. I’m afraid that if I remember the good I might also remember the bad, the accident, the pain. But mostly I’m terrified of what will happen if I remember, how it will change me, and how it will change how others see me.”

“That’s very good Liam. You’ve progressed greatly in your self-analysis and in your understanding of your own emotions, I think having Zayn here was a great idea. You seem much more open,” explained Louis as he stood, placing his pen and notebook down on his desk. “I think you should try to be more open with your feelings with your partner on a daily basis. Maybe every morning you could tell Zayn one thing about how you feel, do you think you could do that?”

Looking at Zayn for reassurance, Liam dipped his head in agreement, teeth sinking into his bottom lip again as his fingers tightened around Zayn’s. It was obvious Liam was ready for this to be over too, so Zayn leaned over and kissed his cheek, promising they could go home soon.

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

Later that day, Zayn stood in the kitchen, mindlessly cutting vegetables as he waited for Liam to come back from his run. It was a habit the bigger man had every time he came back from the therapist, putting his confusion and excess energy into his body, forcing his legs until they burned from exhaustion. Liam always said it helped him clear his mind, that it brought back the light after darkness had seeped through.

Zayn on the other hand was still struggling with what had occurred. He couldn’t help but replay the entire therapist session in his mind, hearing every word Liam had said over and over again.

There was a part of him that was infinitely happy, dying to linger in Liam’s arms and the warmth of their mutual love, but there was also a monstrous part of him that fed it’s self-hatred on Liam’s insecurities.

The entire thing had Zayn questioning his own feelings, and his own desires for the future. Weirdly enough he found himself wondering if he wanted Liam to remember their past, if it was worth seeing the man he loved face memories and nightmares of being burned alive.

After all, for the first time in forever, Zayn realized how incredibly happy he was. From the minute they had gotten back from the therapist office, Zayn couldn’t help but focus on every little detail of their lives that brought a smile to his face. He could see clearer than day now how easy he and Liam worked around each other, anticipating each other’s every move without thought, knowing exactly what the other was about to say without needing to think about it. It was easy, perfect, all a little to lovely to be true. But it was.

This was their reality and Zayn knew better by now than to doubt his own happiness. So rather than linger on the possibility of what could happen if Liam ever remembered, Zayn tried his best to concentrate on what was to come in the future.

In fact, Zayn was so absorbed in his own thought that he missed the clicking sound of the front door when Liam walked in, yelping in surprised when a muscled arm circled his waist.

“God, Liam you scared me to death,” wheezed out Zayn with a hand pressed to his chest, feeling the frantic beat of his heart from beneath.

“Didn’t mean to,” Liam whispered as he plastered his chest to Zayn’s back, pressing his face in the crook of Zayn’s neck as he peppered delicate kisses along the curve of it. “Just couldn’t stop thinking about you while I was out.”

“What were you thinking of?” breathed Zayn, suddenly feeling breathless as he leaned back into Liam, gasping when the other man’s fingers slipped under his shirt, skimming the edge of his pants teasingly.

“This,” grunted Liam as he started pushing Zayn up against the counter, rubbing his hardening cock along the curve of his ass. “Was wondering what you’d look like bent over the kitchen counter.”

Huffing out a laugh, Zayn pushed back against Liam, shivering with pleasure at the groan the other man let out.

“Why don’t you find out,” Zayn said easily, words laced with promises. He kissed the side of Liam’s neck before leaning into the counter, hands placed on the cold marble to hold himself up before looking over his shoulder, directly at Liam with sinful thoughts in mind. He winked at the man, rolling his hips back seductively and grinned, waiting for Liam to make his next move. Anticipating with perfect accuracy.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for the delay, apart from the fact that I just couldn't write. I hope this isn't too terrible, thank you all so much for being patient!
> 
> WARNING: might be some triggers for very mild panic attack.

After a long day at work there was nothing more Zayn wanted than to come home and cuddle with Liam on the couch, maybe eat some take out and go to bed early. It had been a horribly long week, filled with advanced deadlines and stupid, indecisive clients that had driven him mad. But through it all, Liam had been a little ray of sunshine, doing everything possible to make Zayn's day a little easier. He would wake up extra early to make sure Zayn's coffee was ready when Zayn managed to drag himself out of bed, and by the time he was out of the shower, Liam would have prepared a lunch and picked out his clothes, making everything slightly more bearable.

So the last thing Zayn expected to come home to after such a long week was Niall, standing on his kitchen counter, downing a beer while a faintly familiar man sat next to him, cheering him on.

"Zayn!" Niall called out as he lowered his beer, staggering lightly across the counter, making Zayn's heart skip a beat at the thought of Niall falling down. "You're home early!"

"Late actually," Zayn replied as he looked down at his watch, walking into the flat, and closing the door behind him.

He advanced slowly towards the unknown man who was smiling at him brightly as he stood, offering his hand as he greeted him."Its so nice to meet you, I'm Harry, Liam's mate."

"Liam's mate," repeated Zayn, reaching out to shake the offered hand, but feeling suddenly nauseous. He felt his vision dim as he watched the man, the glowing green eyes turning dark with concern. In a flash Niall was by Zayn's side, hand around his waist leading him towards the nearest chair as if afraid he would faint.

He couldn't exactly comprehend what was happening, his ears ringing as he tried to concentrate on Niall's voice telling him to breathe deep, the hand on his back rubbing comforting circles into his shirt, grounding him.  
It felt like fire was going through his lungs, but then the sight of Liam dimmed out the pain, bringing his vision back into focus as he swallowed around nothing, the world around him slowly returning to normal.

"He hasn't had a panic attack in months," Zayn heard Niall say, but at the moment he didn't really care what was happening. Wrapping his fingers around Liam's hand, he pulled the taller man closer to him, sinking his nails into Liam's bicep, as if to make sure he was real.

Liam's mate, or Harry, as he had introduced himself, was the man Zayn remembered from the bakery shop in Wolverhampton. And the sight of him apparently brought back all the emotions linked to losing Liam. Even if Zayn knew Liam was alive, right there in front of his own eyes, part of his brain seemed to be unable to comprehend what was happening, as his heart kept racing, and his stomach filled with acid.

"I'm here babe, you're ok," Liam whispered into his hair, lips dragging slowly across his forehead.

Closing his eyes, Zayn tried to listen solely to Liam voice to drown out the world and after a few minutes, he was able to breath again. Embarrassed, he wrapped his arms around Liam's waist, hiding his face in the man's chest as he heard Niall shuffle a little further away from him. He felt ridiculous for becoming overwhelmed with memories so easily, but also because he knew how guilty Liam would feel if he knew what had triggered his panic attack.

"Bathroom please," he mumbled lowly, his bottom lip catching in the material of Liam's red henley.

Almost immediately, he felt Liam's hands smooth down his back, settling on his hip as he guided Zayn towards the bathroom, shutting the door behind them with a soft click.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Liam asked, running his hands through Zayn's hair, until Zayn looked up at him through thick lashes, trying to hide the unshed tears that he felt starting to slide down his cheek.

"That's a stupid question," Zayn huffed, leaning into Liam, breathing in the familiar scent as he tried talking himself into going back out there and meeting Liam's friend like a normal person. "I always want you to stay with me."

"Nerd," smiled Liam, pinching Zayn's hip who squirmed away, yet kept his arms wrapped around Liam, a small grin spreading across his face. Liam always knew exactly how to calm him, and distract him, to change his mind and make him smile again.

In fact, Zayn had spent the last month waiting for their relationship to implode, waiting for the moment Liam got his memory back and changed his mind on wanting to be together. Yet every day, Liam only seemed to grow more comfortable, his belongings appearing slowly all across Zayn's flat. He fell right into Zayn's life exactly like before, filling in every gap as if he had never left. Most days, it was terrifying, the thought of Liam leaving again, which was probably why Zayn had reacted so strongly to seeing Harry. But right now, wrapped in Liam's arm, the other man's presence so comforting and strong reminded Zayn exactly why he was risking it all. He didn't think he was strong enough to lose Liam again, but living without him, knowing he was alive only seemed worse.

"How about you take a shower, relax and get changed while I get the boys out of here and we can watch a movie?" breathed Liam after a few minutes, dragging Zayn out of his own head, bringing him back to the present.  
"Please don't do that," sighed Zayn as he pulled away, rubbing his face roughly with the back of his hand before looking at Liam. "I already feel like such an idiot."

"There's no reason for you to feel like an idiot, babe," promised Liam as he took a step forward, warm fingers running along the edge of Zayn shirt, slowly making their way under it until they were skimming along Zayn's stomach. "It's been a long couple of days, I should have thought this through better."  
Shaking his head, Zayn forced a smile, trying not to shiver as he leaned into Liam's touch, hurrying out of his shirt.

"It's fine, please just get out of here before I start undressing you too."  
Rolling his eyes, Liam took a step back, his hand no longer touching Zayn as he chuckled lightly. "You know, that's probably the worst incentive ever."  
Rather than answer, Zayn only bit his bottom lip, popping open the button of his trousers as he stared at Liam.

Mumbling a half-hearted you tease, Liam walked out, leaving Zayn alone in the small bathroom to shower. For a second, the air around him seemed horribly cold, lacking the sizzling heat that Liam brought with him. There was always that weird moment when Liam left, leaving Zayn's body in panic mode even if he knew Liam was only a few meters away. Its like his brain still wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't.

By now however, he had learned to deal with it as he striped off the rest of his clothes, stepping into the shower.

Less than a minute later there was a loud knock on the door, and just as he was about to tell Liam he was just fine, he smelled Niall's cologne, the blond not waiting for a response as he closed the door behind himself and sat on the toilet.

"It's called privacy, Niall" Zayn said over the rushing water, closing his eyes as he leaned back into the shower jet.

"There is no such thing in our relationship, Malik," laughed Niall as he kicked his feet up on the edge of the tub, obviously not fazed by the situation.  
Zayn knew better than to argue, knew that Niall was in fact right. Everything from the very beginning of their friendship had been very open, and it wouldn't be the first time Niall assisted to one of his showers.

"You doing better?" questioned Niall, a slight tremor to his voice that made Zayn sigh. He hated how much Niall always worried about him, even if he knew that only meant the other cared for him. Still, he didn't want to be the constant source of Niall's worry.

"I'm fine," Zayn assured, opening his eyes to concentrate on the soap he was lathering his body with, trying to focus on the bubbles and not Niall's inquisitive voice as he asked what the fuck had happened.

Another sigh escaped Zayn's mouth as he washed off the soap, tracing the patterns of the remaining body wash down the drain. He stood wordlessly under the water, his dripping wet hair sticking to his face as he tried to figure out what to say. But before Zayn could reply, his usual _do we really need to talk about this_ , Niall was shutting him down, snapping the shower curtain open.

"Talk Zayn, I'm not watching you go through this shit again," exclaimed Niall, his voice assertive but yet smooth, its usual warmth reassuring Zayn as he grabbed a towel, curling it around his waist before answering.  
"Harry is the guy from the bakery, the one from Wolverhampton."

In seconds, Niall face softened as he dragged his fingers through Zayn's wet hair, kissing his temple.

"He's alive Zayn," Niall stated simply, and Zayn nodded pushing his forehead against Niall’s. In his state of undress, the situation should be awkward, but it wasn't. In fact, things with Niall were rarely awkward. "He's not going anywhere, that boy is horribly in love with you."

"I know," quavered Zayn, forcing himself to stand straight. "I am too, I just don't know how to tell him."

"Exactly like you used to," Niall suggested, making a face as if he knew it couldn't be that simple. Nothing about this entire relationship was simple. "Whatever you do Zaynie, he deserves to know. And the past will keep haunting you until you let yourself tell him."

Even if he knew Niall was right, Zayn just shrugged, tightening his hold on his towel as he looked up at his best friend. "You should get out of here before he gets jealous and kicks your ass."

Laughing wholeheartedly, his head thrown back as if Zayn had said the funniest thing in the world, Niall nodded in agreement before exiting the bathroom, leaving Zayn alone with his thoughts.

___________________________________

Later that night, when Niall was passed out on the couch and Harry was settled in the guess bedroom, both slightly inebriated and stuffed with Chinese take away, Zayn shuffled into bed, cold fingers wrapping themselves around Liam's waist.

"I think Harry is in love," Liam whispered as he tangled their legs together, his chest heaving under Zayn's head.

"Niall is very lovable," agreed Zayn, pressing his smile into Liam's skin. He loved this time of day, when they settled in bed together, talking about everything and nothing. It reminded him of his old Liam when he came back from a long stay on base and told him about countless adventures. 

"I didn't mean with Niall," chuckled Liam as he pressed a kiss in Zayn's hair, making the smaller man shiver, tightening his hold around Liam's waist. "He's in love with you, completely. He asked me why I haven't married you yet."

A sudden tension ran through Zayn's body at the thought of marriage, the necklace around his neck with Liam's ring on it feeling heavy against his heart. But quickly Zayn got distracted by Liam's fingers coming to twirl the ring between his long fingers, the warmth of Liam's hand soothing him. 

He felt the words in his throat catching, as he closed his eyes, concentrating deeply on the sound of Liam's breathing and the touch of his fingers. He could feel the way Liam kept playing with the gold band, spinning it and letting it fall against Zayn's chest before reaching for it again, almost subconsciously. And when Liam's finger slipped through it, as if testing to see if it still fit, Zayn couldn't stop the words from tumbling from his lips, finally confessing to Liam, he too was in love again.


	13. Chapter 13

The sun was high in the sky when Zayn woke, cascades of multi-colored sunlight streaking across the wall, illuminating the room. He could feel the cold sheets next to him announcing Liam's absence for the past few hours, but that didn't surprise Zayn, knowing fully well that Liam always woke at the crack of dawn. It was a habit he had picked up while he was still in the army, something that despite the amnesia, he had never forgotten.

Zayn however was fine just rolling around in bed all day, even more so as memories from the previous night rushed to his mind, making his cheeks flush with heat. He could still feel Liam's hands on him, lips ghosting across his neck, praise whispered into his skin. The love-making that had followed his admission was unprecedented, even when Zayn thought back to their engagement sex, the comparison seemed bare.

Liam had simply glowed at the words, completely awestruck. His vulnerability, the way he had hide his face in Zayn's neck, whispering back his own love, had rendered Zayn a little speechless, lost in his own mind until lips upon his own brought him back to the present.

Still now, lying in bed with fingerprint bruises etched upon his skin, he still wondered about Liam's wellbeing, constantly questioning if the admission had been the right thing to do. The sex might have been amazing, but the crack it opened in Zayn's heart seemed only to be deepening. He feared hurting Liam, making the man suffer more than he already did every time something occur that he didn't remember, but realized he should. There was always that moment in Zayn's gesture that seemed to show Liam he had forgotten something, and no matter what Zayn did, or how hard he tried to hide it, Liam always seemed to catch on anyways.

Zayn's thoughts however were quickly interrupted when Niall burst through the door, flinging himself across the bed, making Zayn groan.

"Niall," he whined, hiding his face under the covers, smelling the distant aroma of Liam's cologne. "Aren't you supposed to be massively hungover."

With a snort, Niall pulled the blankets away from Zayn' face, poking his finger in his cheek. "I'm Irish mate, what nonsense are you on about."

Rather than answer, Zayn grunted in response, kicking the blanket until he could reach for Niall, wrapping theirs legs together as he cuddled closer.

"Glad you're not gone," he whispered, closing his eyes when Niall's hand brushed through his hair. "I need one of your famous pep talks."

With a groan, Niall's fingers tightened in Zayn's hair, pulling lightly as he forced his eyes open, watching Niall's face contort in a saddened grimace. "What d'you do again?"

"Might of finally told Liam how I felt," Zayn mumbled, yet the words only seemed to make him smile, his lips spreading easily as he tried to contain his joy.

"Not sure how that's a problem," admitted Niall, pushing himself up until he was slouched against the headboard. "Actually that sounds like that opposite of a problem. It probably solves half your problems and half of mine at that, since I won't have to listen to you whine about it so much."

"You're a horrible, horrible friend," grunted Zayn as threw his pillow at Niall's head, ducking out of the blond's counterattack just as Liam walked through the door, nothing but a pair of sweat pants hanging low on his hips as he grinned at the both of them.

"Is it normal that I can't even bring myself to be jealous," laughed Liam as he approached, leaning down so he could press a delicate kiss to Zayn's lips, that was over way too quickly, making Zayn pout as Liam stood towering over him.

"Nah mate, its not like Malik here could get with someone as hot as me," Niall retorted quickly with a wink, getting out of bed before Zayn could smack him properly.

But before Zayn could reply, Niall was slipping out the door, his laughter following suit. Rapidly, Harry's voice also echoed through the flat, reminding Zayn just how inappropriate his thoughts of stripping Liam of his sweatpants were at the moment.

"I really don't have to worry right?" questioned Liam, lowering himself next to Zayn, his fingers lingering along his arm, up his collarbone.

"You know Niall and I are just friends, its never been more babe," Zayn promised, trying to stay still as Liam traced the lip tattooed across his skin.

Liam nodded, a gentle smile spread across his plump lips, and yet his brow furrowed as he pressed his face into the pillow, hand slowly retreating away from Zayn's skin.

"Could it ever have been?" Liam asked after a beat of silence, obviously trying to be nonchalant, but his voice came out too quietly, too raw.

"Liam love," Zayn started, but immediately there was a ball in his throat, making it hard for him to speak. With a cough, he pushed himself into a seated position, dragging Liam into his lap as he brushed his hands along Liam's stubble.

"I meant what I said yesterday Liam, I'm in love with you. Niall is my friend, he was there for me when things got bad, you know that. But we've never been more than friends, and I never wanted us to be," Zayn said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Again, Liam only nodded in response, pressing a delicate kiss to Zayn's temple, but without replying.

"I don't think I was ever ready to fall in love again," Zayn added when Liam stayed silent, cupping his face until their eyes met. "I have this theory where I think I'm only capable of falling in love with you, every single version of you, but only you Liam."

"D'you ever wonder if this version of me is gonna be enough for you? Maybe you'll always miss the old me, maybe you'll resent me," Liam finally replied, his eyes cast down even though Zayn still held his face between his hands.

Zayn's heart sank at the words, his stomach suddenly filled with acid as he tried to focus, tried to explain. This was exactly what he had feared, that Liam himself would start to question the sincerity of his love. The problem was, Zayn didn't know how to respond, how to tell Liam that a part of him would always mourn for the Liam he'd met first, the one he'd fallen in love with almost at first sight. Because truth was, if he had never fallen in love with that Liam, then he never would have met the Liam that was now slightly trembling in his arms, awaiting an answer.

"I could never resent you Liam. But I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt some times, that I don't miss some aspect of it. But I fell in love with the person you are now, with the things I remembered but also with new things about you," Zayn said before pausing, the words catching in his throat as he felt tears stinging in his eyes. "I don't know why you had to suffer so much _meri jaan_ , but I'm glad life brought us back together, that we got a second chance and I don't want to waste that, because in the end you're you, and I love every little piece of you."

"Sap," Liam muttered, before looking up at Zayn, bringing their foreheads together as they simply bathed in the admission of their love, the importance of this moment. "I love you too, Zayn, more than I can explain, more than I can remember."

"Then that's all that matters love," Zayn said as he tried to smile, pressing his lips to Liam's, delving into the touch, addicted for the second time in his life.

And when they finally pulled apart, breath hitched with excitement, their skin flushed and lips bruised, Liam full on smiled, making his eyes crinkle as Zayn swallowed around the lump in his throat, smirking back.

"We should go out there before Niall ruins our flat."

"Don't worry about it, Harry was cooking, its already partially ruined," giggled Liam before pressing another kiss to Zayn's mouth, obviously intending to do a lot more than exchange harmless kisses. "I want you right now."

There was not a single second when Zayn actually though of saying no to Liam, even though he knew they had guest barely more than a few meters away. But Zayn trusted his friendship with Niall enough to think the Irish man would be smart enough not to come and bother them any time soon.

So rather and do the responsible and logical thing, such as making sure the door was locked, Zayn simply dragged his hand along Liam's naked chest, wrapping his fingers along the waist of Liam's sweatpants, earning himself a moan that he knew would only be the first of many.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some form of flashback is involved in this chapter. Please take notice if such things could be triggering for you, although there is nothing graphic or described about the flashback.

Two months later

 

"Liam, babe, can you bring me the last template on the table please, the one with the green header."

Fussing with the last of the booklet, Zayn pressed the margin into place, brushing off the last pieces of cut off paper. He had been working on this presentation for weeks, making sure every single detail was perfect, and as he put the final touches, he could barely believe it was over.

This client had been particularly picky about the color schemes and designs he wanted, fully restricting Zayn artistic creativity, but it was a huge contract, something that would put his name out there for years, so Zayn had complied without much protest.

And now that he could see the final product, he was glad he had taken on the challenge, proud that he could do something so important and imposing on his own. Well, Liam had helped indirectly, encouraging him whenever he was on the verge of giving up, bringing him tea in the middle of the night and massaging his neck after long hours at work. But at the moment, Zayn sighed at Liam's lack of response, hearing the TV in the living room, knowing fully well that Liam was out there, doing nothing important other than watching the football match.

"Liam I need that template," he repeated with a huff, rolling his eyes when he turned to see Loki slowly walk in, with Liam nowhere in sight.

Slightly annoyed, Zayn dropped the booklets he was working on, the soft thud of them falling against his workspace barely audible as he walked away, Loki quickly following him into the kitchen.

"Liam, seriously, I just asked you to bring the template, you could have gotten up!" complained Zayn when he saw Liam sitting on the couch, marching in front of him so the other man wouldn't be able to see the TV anymore.

But as he stepped around the corner of the massive couch, his eyes falling on Liam's face, Zayn's emotions quickly shifted from annoyed to terrified, as he realized tears were streaming down Liam's face.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Zayn asked as he approached Liam carefully, sitting down next to him, running a soft hand up his arm.

"Andy's screaming, I didn't remember, but now. He's screaming so much Zayn."

"Oh god," whispered Zayn as he pulled Liam into his lap, his heart breaking as the larger man simply crumbled, sobbing desperately into his chest. With every whimper, Zayn blood seemed to freeze over, his mind reeling at what to do next, how to deal with this.

The doctors had told them numerous times that there was a possibility of flash memories coming back progressively, which would probably be traumatic considering the reason why Liam had forgotten things in the first place. And the fact that it was happening was a good thing really, it meant that Liam might start remembering everything else, Zayn included, but it also meant he had to deal with the hardship of it all, the pain and suffering that he hadn't actually lived through, or didn't remember going through.

"Andy is ok babe," Zayn tried to say reassuringly but his voice cracked as he tightened his hold on Liam, thinking back to a week ago when they had skyped with Liam's best mate, the other man so happy to show off his new prosthetic leg. "I promised he's ok, we're going to visit him next month."

"He's not ok, he's screaming" Liam choked out after a few seconds, his fingers fisted tightly in Zayn's shirt, stretching the material far beyond what it should be. "I don't want to remember, please Zayn make it go away, I don't want to see this."

Paralyzed with fear, his own anxiety taking over, Zayn sat there, clutching Liam in his arms as hard as he could, with nothing to say to comfort the man he loved. He tried calming himself, threading his fingers through Liam's hair, kissing his temple as he whispered promises that everything would be alright, even through deep down he knew that there was a possibility that things would never be the same.

 

__________________________________________________________

 

Louis's new office was on the other side of town, a rather long drive on a regular day, even more so in the middle of traffic hour, but Zayn couldn't think of anything else to do at the moment other than this. He had managed to calm Liam down long enough to get him dressed and down to the car, the sound of the engine however seemed to freak him out, as he mumbled about explosions, which had Zayn even more worried as he rushed through town as quickly as he could, sending Louis's secretary an SOS text message.

By the time they made it to the underground parking lot, Liam was mumbling incoherently to himself, starring out the window as though completely out of it. It took quite some time to help him out the car, walking slowly towards the building and as they entered the elevator up to the 15th floor, Zayn made sure to wrap his arm around Liam's waist to steady him as he trembled, looking utterly broken and powerless. There were fresh tears threatening to spill out of his eyes at any moment, his muttered words fading under the clutter of Zayn's own mind.

The ride up seems to take forever, the tight space making Zayn feel claustrophobic as every mirrored wall reflected Liam's miserable face, nothing but anguish spread across his usually happy face.

When the door finally dinged opened, Zayn stumbled out, holding on to Liam, practically dragging him along to where Louis's secretary was already waiting for them, quickly escorted them into the big office a few doors down.

"He'll be with you in a minute," she told Zayn in a hush voice, as if afraid her normal tone would shake Liam up more than he already was.

Nodding, Zayn sat Liam in the regular leather sofa, taking place next to him, his fingers aching from holding on so tightly. Hours seemed to tic by before Louis finally walked in, looking slightly dishevelled as he took place in his regular chair, leaning forward as he addressed Liam in a soft voice. "Hello Liam, do you know where you are at the moment?"

At the words, Liam's head rose but he refused to make eye contact, eyes fixated on the ground, his lips moving but no words coming out as he started to rock back and forth, fingers digging into the leather cushion.

"Liam," Louis repeated, standing so he could crouch in front of him, yet keeping a relatively safe distance between them. "Liam, you're having a flashback, I need you to breathe deeply, try and focus on my voice. You're safe, Liam."

"It's not real?" Liam asked, his voice completely and utterly raw, so vulnerable that it broke Zayn's heart instantly, even more so when he saw Louis grimace.

"Zayn I think its best if you go wait outside," the therapist said as he stood, turning quickly towards the door not to allow Zayn anytime to protest.

Standing on shaking legs, Zayn finally let go of Liam, kissing his temple, trying not to fall apart when the other man winced at the touch. He walked towards Louis slowly, stopping in the doorway, as the shorter man pivoted towards him.

"He'll be ok Zayn, but he needs to do this on his own."

"But he's scared out of his mind," Zayn argued, looking back to where Liam was seated, head hanging low as tears fell down his face. "He needs me."

"I know this may be hard to hear, but at the moment, he needs to understand the situation, to asses what he is seeing, and having you here, emotional and worried about him while prevent him from doing so. He won't open up because he'll be afraid of your reaction. We can't afford this at the moment," Louis said, obviously trying to sound sympathetic but Zayn still didn't like it. The thought of leaving Liam at the moment seemed unbearable, but rather than argue, he nodded, stepping into the waiting area, the soft click of the door closing behind him making his stomach churn.

Louis's secretary came out to see him immediately, offering beverages, probably to try and distract him but he simply shook his head no, sighing as he sat down in one of the plush chairs out front. Before he knew what was happening, he found himself sobbing, his entire body shaking as he leaned back into the chair, covering his face with his hands, desperate to hide his meltdown.

He remembered months ago, when Louis had first explained to him what could possibly happen if Liam ever got back his memory. He had mentioned the shock and the confusion, the tearful episodes and possibly the violent outburst and Zayn had thought he was ready for it. Truth was, he'd spent countless nights reading about it, trying to find ways to help trigger Liam's memory, but nothing had prepared him for this; To see Liam, so lost and broken, completely out of touch with reality and unresponsive to him. It was almost as difficult as losing him again.

Yet, now Zayn sat helpless, waiting for Liam to come back to him, to clear his mind and deal with the tremendous horrors of war.

It felt so unfair that Liam kept suffering the results of a war he had never belonged in, simply too sweet and kind to be toss in such a horrendous place. But at the same time, the fact that Liam had been a solider had always made Zayn's heart swell with pride, knowing fully well how important it had all been to Liam; That beautiful man that simply wanted to save the world. And now that same man had to battle his own mind, remembering how his best friend had been blown up before him, remembering how his own body had been injured, his mind crippled. Without a single doubt, Zayn knew that Liam was going through a nightmare at the moment, and it made him feel sick that once again, there was nothing be could do to help.

And things only got worse when screaming could be heard through the walls, loud crashing sounds making Zayn's blood freeze as he rushed towards the door, quickly stopped by Louis's secretary.

"Mr. Malik, you can't go in there right now, but trust me Liam is ok, Dr. Tomlinson is taking care of him."

Of course Zayn wanted to argue, maybe peek inside to see if everything was alright, make sure that Liam was in one piece. But truth was, Liam was the furthest from ok at the moment, and Zayn needed to let him deal with his issues first. He needed to respect and recognize the fact that the person Liam needed most right now was his doctor, not him and in the end, if Zayn was patient enough, he would get his Liam back, hopefully in one piece.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

Zayn was not actually sure what he was doing, standing in the kitchen, a wet rag in hand as he rubbed down the counter for the 50th time in the last five minutes. There was a sandwich in a plate a few inches away, probably starting to turn a little dry considering the fact its been there for at least an hour, but Zayn wasn't hungry whatsoever. In fact, he had only made the sandwich to try and distract myself, which is actually what he had been trying to do for the past week and a half. Stay distracted. Because the last thing he wants to do was focus on something else, let his mind wander over to Liam, who's half the man Zayn used to know, spending most of his days in frustrated angry emotional states, slamming doors and going for long, never ending runs that leave Zayn shaking with anxiety.

He had actually had a session of his own with Louis, needing the emotion support to get through Liam's drastic change in behaviour. Every morning Zayn woke up alone, the space next to him cold to the touch, Liam spending most of his night on the couch, sweating through nightmares, refusing any proximity. It was the first time ever Zayn witnessed Liam going into what he had come to call his "soldier state," retrieved and emotionless. The only emotion he seemed capable of showing was anger and its not that Zayn didn't understand. No in fact, he could only imagine how painful and frustrated Liam felt at the moment, the problem was, Zayn didn't know how to react to it. And his complete inability to do so made him useless to Liam, in fact it made him a burden to Liam.

So rather than hover over Liam with his guilt and inability to help, Zayn tried to do everything he could to make sure Liam was as comfortable as possible. He cleaned the flat constantly, did the wash, cooked every single meal according to recipes Karen had sent him which were Liam's childhood favourites. He had bought every single Marvel movie that he didn't already own, only then realizing watching movies with explosions in them might not be the best of ideas. So in the end he had opted for a natural series, exploring the natural habits of feline cats in the jungle which seemed to actually captivate Liam's attention long enough for Zayn to force feed him a little before taking Loki out on a short walk.

Now though, everything was done, and literally every spot in the flat was clean, if not doubly so, leaving Zayn a little lost with nothing to do with himself until Andy was due to arrive later in the evening.

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Zayn threw the rag into the sink, taking a deep breath before washing his hands, watching Liam through the reflection in the kitchen window. The other man was sitting down on the couch, his legs sprawled out on the extra cushions. He seemed to be paying no attention to the TV, his fingers roaming over his own stomach, making Zayn wonder what he was actually thinking about, wondering if he ever crossed Liam's mind lately.

Immediately, Zayn regretted the though, tearing his eyes away from Liam's reflection, feeling selfish for thinking about such shallow questions. Closing his eyes, he tried to bite back tears, knowing that if he started crying now he'd be a mess for the next few hours and neither of them needed that at the moment.

The sound of his own name coming from behind him snapped him back to the present as he turned around, coming face to face with Liam standing only a few feet away from him. Quickly, Zayn wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, forcing a smile as he titled his head sideways, waiting for Liam to continue.

"What are you doing?" the other man finally asked, shifting from foot to foot, his fingers twisted in the bottom of his too big hoodie. He looks so soft and comfortable, warm and welcoming, somewhat more like the old Liam. The Liam almost buried so deep in the back of Zayn's mind that he wasn't sure if he existed anymore.

"Making a sandwich," muttered Zayn pointing at the abandoned plate further along the counter, biting at his bottom lip as he tried to avoid Liam stare.

Taking a step forward, Liam dropped his gaze too until he stood a foot or two away from Zayn, his hand reaching out for Zayn's own, a sigh of relief seemingly falling from his lips when Zayn let him lace their fingers together.

"Come sit with me would you?" Liam all but whispered, tugging Zayn a little towards him, inciting him to follow but obviously letting him choose to do so.

Rather than answer, Zayn only nodded, a weird feeling settling at the bottom of his stomach as he followed Liam towards the living room, their fingers still intertwined until they reached the couch, Liam letting go so he could sit in the corner.

Once again Zayn stood a little lost, not sure where to sit. Liam had not sought out any type physical or emotional support since his memory had started coming back, making Zayn wonder what he was suppose to do now, scared to cross a line that would send Liam in another of his episodes. Choosing to stay safe, Zayn sat a few feet away from Liam, angling his body towards him but leaving a distant he thought appropriate between them.

But apparently, that was not at all what Liam had in mind, immediately rolling his eyes, reaching for Zayn's waist, dragging him to his side until he could wrap his arm around Zayn's shoulders. "I'm sorry I've been so fucked," muttered Liam as he let his fingers softly brush over Zayn's forehead, moving his hair out of his face, reminding him he needed a haircut. In fact, there was a lot of things Zayn needed to do that meant getting out of the flat, but that also meant leaving Liam, and he just couldn't bring himself to do that.

"It's ok," he tried to assure, leaning into the touch, almost purring when Liam smiled at him. "It's a lot to go through, I just want you to get better."

"I know," Liam sighed, looking away as if he was unable to face Zayn, his lips quivering before he coughed, following Loki with his eyes who ran circles, trying to bit his own tail. "I get lost in my head a lot, trying to figure out what's real and what's not. Like sometimes I don't know if what I see in my mind is a dream or an actual memory."

Zayn nodded, his face rubbing along the material of Liam's hoodie, the familiar smell of his boyfriend he had missed so much overwhelming him, almost sending him into another crying fit. But the touch of Liam's fingers running along his neck prevented him from sobbing and ruining the moment, on the contrary it made him hopeful, like a glimpse into a world where one day he and Liam would be alright again.

"Sometimes I see things about you too," Liam finally whispered after a few minutes of silence, his fingers now tapping a restless beat along Zayn's collarbone, making him shift so he could look up into Liam's eyes.

"Really?"

The surprise in his voice was obvious, the tremor there also making Liam wince as Zayn tries to reassure him with his touch, tracing the lines of the chevrons inked along his forearm.

"Yeah, its a bit confusing," Liam tried, making a face as he looked up, eyes falling on the television as if trying to asses what to say, as if his mind was working through the images, trying to explain them.

A minute ticked by and then other, and Zayn started to fear that Liam's moment of lucidity had passed when Liam finally moved again, bringing Zayn closer to his body.

"I need to ask you something, which I completely understand if you refuse," Liam said, avoiding Zayn gaze again. "Louis said that to work through what's reality and what's not, tactile stimulation can help. So touching things from my past, things that I think I remember can trigger more memories or like confirm them you know?"

"What do you need?" Zayn finally asked when it became obvious that Liam was uncomfortable, stumbling over the next words without ever actually saying anything coherent. "I'll do anything I can to help babe, whatever you want you can have."

Again, Liam seemed to be pondering his words, before he sighed closing his eyes. "Could I get the ring back?"

"What ring?" Zayn asked, because his mind just couldn't comprehend what Liam was asking, until a beat of silence passed, Liam staring at him, frustration etched on every single of his features until Zayn finally caught on. Immediately his fingers reached for his necklace, closing around the ring that dangled from it.

"Oh," was all he said, biting his lip as he looked down, the cold metal quickly warming against his palm, the weight familiar and comforting.

His apprehension was a tad ridiculous, he knew that, but still he couldn't bring himself to hand over the ring, clutching to it a little desperately as he thought back to when Liam had given it back to him, standing in his flat in military uniform, heading off for what was suppose to be a few months but turned into over a year. Zayn thought about all the grief, the pain, the nights he'd spent crying himself to sleep, the ring loosely fitted on his finger, reminding him of the man he loved, reminding him that he wasn't coming back.

And yet here Liam was, a little broken maybe, confused and lost but he was here, asking for help, asking for what belonged to him really and yet Zayn couldn't bring himself to hand the ring over.

"You don't have to," Liam finally replied softly, seeing Zayn was clearly struggling with himself, his fist turning white from how strong he was holding the ring.

"I want to," Zayn quickly admitted, tugging at the chain around his neck, instantly feeling like something was missing, like he was giving away a part of himself. And maybe he was, maybe it was time for him to settle with the past, to acknowledge that Liam was back, and to stop holding on to the old Liam. Then again, giving it back didn't mean they were going to get married, but it could help Liam, probably more than it could help Zayn.

Reluctantly, Zayn reached out for Liam's hand, opening it slowly, palm up before depositing the necklace there, curling Liam's finger around it, his own hand surrounded Liam's bigger one. He could feel tears prickling in the corner of his eyes, but he fought against them, before letting go of Liam and standing, needing the distance right now because his own mind started to get foggy between the past and the present, or maybe the future.

"Take care of it yeah?" he said quietly before, walking out, grabbing his coat along the way. He needed space at the moment, cold air to shock him back into focus. He closed the flat door behind him, a lit cigarette dangling from his lips before he ever made it outside, the air stinging against his skin as he shrugged into his coat, his heart beating frantically as he rushed towards Niall's flat, ringless. 

 


	16. Chapter 16

"What do you mean you just left?" Niall groaned, glaring at Zayn as though he had kicked a puppy.

Shrugging Zayn sipped at his beer, closing his eyes to lean back against the leather couch, the familiar smell of Niall's flat enveloping him in a comforting glow. "I felt trapped, I didn't know what else to do."

"How about not leaving him?" added Niall easily, kicking at his shin.

"Niall," whined Zayn, throwing the cushion that held his head up in Niall's approximate direction. He didn't want to deal with this right now He wanted to pretend that everything was alright and he could simply have a beer with his friend and ignore the rest. Yet he knew that leaving Liam after handing over his engagement ring was probably not the best thing to do but he couldn't face the truth. He couldn't face the look Liam had sported as though the ring was completely new to him, reminding Zayn just how much his past had been forgotten.

Zayn was hoping Andy's arrival would lighten the blow of his own departure, maybe give him a few hours to get his head straight before he went home. He didn't want to guilt Liam for asking for the ring, it was what the doctors had explained was best after all, but it was hard to keep bringing up the past when in fact it was only familiar to him. Everytime, he felt as though he was telling Liam about a dream he had, something only he knew about and would understand. Zayn wondered if he would ever be able to fully move on from the past, from the engagement, from the pain of grieving someone that wasn't actually dead.

Sighing, Zayn rubbed at his forehead, taking another sip of his beer even though he hated the taste. Going home didn't feel like an option at the moment. The anxiety coursing through his veins kept him anchored to Niall's couch, stressing about the future yet stuck in the past.

"Maybe you should stop treating him like he's another person," Niall said after a few moments of silence, his voice resonating through the empty flat. "From the get go, you always acted as though he wasn't the same person you fell in love with years ago. So what if he doesn't remember, maybe it's time you remind him."

"It's not because I want him to remember that he will Niall, it's not how it works," replied Zayn as he opened his eyes, trying to focus on Niall who sat opposite from him, a bag of crisp in hand. The more he observed his friend, the longer he questioned how he had approached the entire thing, but there was a dull pain building its way through his skull, making it difficult to stay focused on the matter at hand. It was easier to close his eyes again.

"I know he can't remember Zayn, but you can and pretending you don't obviously isn't working. So why don't you try a different approach, try the painful approach you've been repressing ever since he came back into your life. Talk to him, just like you used to do to me."

"I was drunk," whined Zayn, remembering all the drunken nights he had spent sprawled on Niall's bed, crying as he went on and on about Liam in countless stories and memories that he rambled about for hours.

"Then get drunk, at least it's better than this."

Opening his eyes, Zayn caught sight of his friend who was looking straight at him, an encouraging smile hanging from his lips as he offered him another beer.

"What do you have to loose at this point."

"Not much," Zayn conceded, taking the beer before looking down at it, reading the label but only to stall for a moment longer, pondering with the idea.

"To the Irish way," he finally said with a laugh, toasting the bottle in the air with a grin in Niall's direction before chugging it.

 

\---------------------------

 

By the time Zayn made it back to his flat, the night has fallen, enveloping the street, nothing but the faint glow of the streetlights illuminating the sky. He took his time to climb the stairs, pretending it had more to do with the couple of beers he drank rather than the anxiety rumbling at the bottom of his stomach. He knew that by now Andy has probably arrived, making any conversation with Liam awkward considering the state in which they had last seen each other. Then again, Zayn was slightly grateful that he didn't have to deal with the issue right away, knowing the "Irish way" would be a terrible way to handle things after all. It was a better idea to sober up and get his thoughts into order before he finally confronted Liam.

It had taken him a lot of time to understand himself, but after today Zayn realized he couldn't keep living like his past hadn't happened. He didn't want to forget the old Liam, didn't want to pretend the person he now lived with wasn't the same as before, so he was dead set on telling Liam just that. He needed to tell Liam everything about their past, how they met, what they did, the things they said. Everything in absolute detail so that even if Liam couldn't remember, Zayn would, and he would no longer have to feel guilty for remembering.

When Zayn finally stopped in front of the door to his own flat, he was surprised by the lack of noise; only the faint chaos of the television could be heard through the heavy wood. Rather than enter, Zayn waited a few moments, standing there restlessly, trying to find the right words to greet Liam after abandoning him earlier. He raked a hand through his hair, knowing he probably looked like a proper mess, with heavy bags under his eyes and alcohol on his breath.

"C'mon you twat, its your own flat," he reprimanded himself, finally taking hold of the doorknob before pushing his way in, finding the living room empty.

"Liam?" Zayn called out as he tripped out of his boots, trying to hang his coat twice before he could manage to catch the hook properly.

A man stumbled out of the kitchen at the same time, quite tall, with long bleach blond hair and a nose ring, walking slowly with the help of a cane that startled Zayn, who stopped in his tracks, wobbling in place as the alcohol rattled his brain.

"Andy?" he tried, his memory sparse at the moment, thinking back to the pictures he'd seen of the man, before and after his accident.

"You must be Zayn," smiled the other man, taking a step forward offering his hand, which Zayn shook sloppily, waving with his other hand like an idiot before realizing what he was doing.

"Andy," Zayn repeated again, feeling like a twat the minute the name left his tongue, yet too consumed by the heat and haziness of the beer stirring in his system to do anything about it.

"It's great to finally meet you," Andy supplemented when Zayn remained quite simply starring at him, lost in his own mind.

Rather than reply with some politically correct pleasantry, Zayn tilted his head, trying to stay stable on his feet as he looks around the flat. "Where's Liam?"

The other man laughed at that, a deep laughter that sounds sincere as he took a few more steps towards the couch and settled down. "Gotta say Zayn, I feel like I already know you, although you seem slightly different than what Liam has described. Your boy went to see his therapist by the way, said he'd be back within the hour."

"I'm not a drunk," Zayn slurred, knocking his foot into the edge of the coffee table as he tried to sit opposite Liam's friend, obviously making a fool of himself, in exact contradiction to his own words. He worried for an instant about what it meant that Liam had left his friend behind to go meet with Louis, but considering how laid back Andy seemed, Zayn figured Liam probably hadn't been distraught when he had left. "I don't drink very often," he said as though trying to convince the other but Andy only smiled, reaching for a bottle of water that was pressed into the couch before taking a sip. "No worries mate, everyone loves a few drinks once in a while. I've had my fair share believe me."

Zayn nodded in response, preferring to keep his mouth shut before he said something to embarrass himself again. Andy didn't seem to mind, turning his attention towards the television, twirling the half empty water bottle in his hand, the cane he had used to help him walk now leaning against his knee. Only then did Zayn recall the extent of the other man's injuries, the bomb that had exploded, Liam screaming in the middle of the night about fire and the smell of burning flesh. Zayn could see now the discoloration on Andy's hand, scars running along his skin, disappearing under his long sleeve sweater, no doubt covering even more distance underneath.

"Does it hurt?" Zayn heard himself blurt out before he even realized it, instantly regretting it, knowing how much Liam hated talking about his own scars.

Yet Andy didn't seem to be bothered by the question, looking down at his hand before meeting Zayn's gaze, shrugging as though it meant nothing. "They've long healed, I don't feel them much, I'm afraid they're more aesthetically painful than physically," he replied with an amused smirk, tapping his knee in the process. "That however is a different story, but it was a pain long before the explosion."

Zayn knew he should probably only nod, offer some type of comfort at this point considering he had known the man for less than a few minutes and he was in fact his lover's best friend but there was a voice inside his head screaming at him to ask questions, to demand answers about things he never dared ask Liam because he was simply too afraid of what he could possibly trigger.

"Does it bother you, I mean the way people look at you?" Zayn finally inquired after a moment of silence, trying to gage Andy's reaction.

But nothing seemed to faze the other man as he grinned once more, this time almost seductively as he winked at Zayn. "Nah mate, it's good with the ladies, they love a hero and all that. Sucks I can't do my job anymore but I got out alive and mostly in one piece so I can't complain.

Zayn pondered on the answer, not exactly sure if he believed the other man's optimistic view, thinking about how much Liam struggled to get to where he was now, and still did almost every day.

"Do you have them too then, the nightmares?"

"Not anymore," Andy replied quickly, for the first time not sounding as enthusiastic. "I got out lucky. What I suffered, its mostly physical stuff, I know Liam suffers way worse, know he's lost in his own mind sometimes and I can't pretend I know what that's like. I used to have flashes, memories but somehow, when I started walking again, it got better, its like when my body recovered my mind did. I'm not saying I'm constantly happy, but...I'm thankful to be alive and lucky that the extent of my troubles didn't effect my mind as much."

"So you recovered your memory?" Zayn asked, leaning forward, eyes unable to stay away from the scars, wondering just how bad the physical extent really was. He felt a sense of envy deep down in the pit of his stomach, something he knew was wrong but he couldn't stop himself from thinking. He wished Liam had only suffered the physical consequences of war. Right now, scars and a bum knee sounded almost pleasant.

When the answer didn't come as easily as the others, Zayn was forced to look up, finding that Andy was starring back at him, an uncomfortable tension settling between them.

"No, I still don't remember, and I guess that's a blessing in itself," admitted the other man before letting his head hang back against the couch, his voice coming out raw, strained with emotion. "I know what you're thinking Zayn, I think about it every day. How my best mate is mentally fucked out because he tried to save my life. How I should be the one suffering, because after all I was the one that didn't follow orders. It eats at me everyday."

It became eerily quiet after that, nothing but the television playing softly, almost inaudibly as both men stare at one another, trying to figure each other out, trying to come to turns with the pain that they both felt strangling them.

It was Zayn that finally broke the silence, suddenly feeling extremely sober as he coughed, straightening in his seat. "You know Liam wouldn't change a thing about what happened."

"I know," Andy acknowledged sadly, pushing himself up difficultly, removing his sweater only to reveal an array of massive scars along his arm and chest, the skin there elevated and uneven, arranged in weird patterns. "There used to be a tattoo here," Andy started to explain, tapping his finger over his heart where the skin was angry red and discoloured, a dark pattern underneath the skin barely visible. "It was a token of our friendship, a wolf. Now its nothing more than a mess, a bit like the both of us."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you should know I don't take likely the sacrifice Liam made for me. I'll forever be in his debt. I think about it every day when I look into the mirror and I don't see that wolf on my chest starring back at me like it used to." Pausing, Andy seemed to weigh his words, probably questioning whether he was saying the right thing or not, as he pulled his sweater back on. "But as horrible as my body looks and as tragic as is Liam's memory loss and nightmares, at least we're alive. I have too many mates that didn't make it back to even count and that's what I try to remember. Maybe you should to."

Without another word, the man grabbed a hold of his walking stick, giving Zayn a broken smile before walking towards the guest bedroom, probably where Liam had set him up before leaving. He left Zayn there alone, a little awestruck and bitter, too many emotions fighting their way into his brain, making his nauseous as he sat back into his seat, cold and suddenly lonely.

 

\-----------------------

 

Almost another hour past before Liam made it back home, coming in quickly as Zayn looked up from his seat, still in the exact same place he had been when Andy had walked off to the guest bedroom and never re-emerged.

"Hey babe," Liam said as he approached slowly, kissing Zayn sweetly on the lips, reaching out to caress his cheek with the back of his hand. "Did you have fun with Niall?"

Chuckling, Zayn covered Liam's hand against his cheek with his own, pulling until Liam tumbled over him in a mess of limbs. "I leave in a haste like an asshole and you ask me if I had fun. Liam Payne you are simply the best boyfriend in the world."

Rather than an answer there was a delicate kiss pressed to his neck, a hand lacing itself through his hair before Zayn could say another word, Liam's lips at his ear. "We both needed time, I know asking for the ring was a lot and its ok that you needed to go see Niall, I respect that."

With a grunt, Zayn turned to face Liam. He wasn't surprised by the sincerity in the other man's eyes, the soft smile on his mouth that drew Zayn in, made him kiss those same lips before leaning his forehead against Liam's own. "I wish I was as strong as you, as strong as Andy."

"You're stronger than both of us," Liam replied easily, glancing towards the guest bedroom as though remembering Andy's presence before gazing down at Zayn again, taking his face in his hand so he made sure Zayn was looking at him. "Tell me about our engagement."

It took a second for Zayn to actually process the words, the insecure look on Liam's face only adding to the ice that ran through his veins instantly, but the kiss that was delicately placed upon his mouth soothed him. The hand placed against his stomach warmed him and the breath fanning across his skin grounded him. With a deep breath, he thought back to his earlier realization, knowing that Liam was giving him the perfect opportunity to stop hiding. It was almost painless to take the chance given to him on a platter by Liam, to close his eyes and think back to that night. Cuddling into Liam side, Zayn told him about the engagement, not leaving out a single detail, immediately feeling lighter.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter before the epilogue, thank you all so much for your support. Honestly, the comments and Kudos, fics recs etc are what makes writing so much more enjoyable. :)

By the end of the month, Liam was back at work, down the street at the coffee shop, seemingly enjoying himself. He still struggled with his memories, occasional flashbacks from the accident, but nowadays, most memories that flooded his mind were relatively painless, related more so to Zayn than to the war.

To this day however, the sight of Liam behind the counter was one Zayn was still surprised by, his mind not fully coming to terms with the changes of the recent year and yet, there was a warmth that cloaked him every time he walked in and saw Liam's goofy smile, a pressure in his chest that made him blush and grin back.

And so Zayn tried his best to go visit Liam as much as he could. Whenever he had a long lunch break, an extra few minutes for coffee or even when his day finished before Liam's. He would drop by, sometimes just for a muffin, but most days he would settle in a far corner of the café, his own work spread across the grainy wood table and would admire Liam from afar. He often asked Liam if his presence bothered him, but the other man always had the same reply, kissing him softly, and then more deeply when Zayn would push for an answer, so deeply that most times Zayn simply forgot what the question had been in the first place.

Truth was, their time with Andy had been somewhat of a blessing, giving Zayn a new perspective on the situation, easing the transition into reliving the pass rather than burying it as he had been doing. It was easier to talk about his stories with Liam when he wasn't alone doing so, when Andy too recalled things that even Zayn didn't know. It made the process even more enjoyable, almost like old friends meeting after a long time apart, telling each other about their lives around wine and delicious food. They had traded stories all week, embarrassing Liam no doubt, but with laughter filling the silences, no longer as painful to reminisce.

There were days however, it was obvious Liam struggled with the memories, usually a few days after they discussed something new, Liam would wake up disoriented and groggy and disappear for a few hours. At first it worried Zayn, immediately had him on edge, calling everyone he could think of to find Liam. All that until he remembered something Louis had told him when the memories first started coming back; _no matter how much we want to help him, he's the only one that can remember, the only one that can work through the memories and sometimes being alone is the only way to do so._

After that, Zayn had sat alone at home, biting his nails to a pulp, walking in circles with Loki trailing behind him, he too confused and agitated by Liam's absence. In some sense they tried to comfort each other but to no avail, both worried for Liam even though Zayn knew Louis was probably right. Only when Liam had returned did Zayn manage to calm and truly understand Liam's need for peace and quiet.

Liam had smelled exactly like the lake they had been to on their previous date, the touch of apples and lavender sticking to the other man's skin, making Zayn breathe a little deeper, content that Liam was only seeking out familiarity to clear out his head. It made him peaceful, embracing the change both he and Liam started going through.

From then on, Liam started vanishing for a few hours almost weekly, leaving a lovely note for Zayn, telling him he was out by the lake and only to return hours later. But the tired smile on his face and the lack of tension in his body prevented Zayn from worrying. Liam was dealing with his issues, dealing with the images in his head and together they were starting to be able to piece back the memories into a coherent whole again.

One evening, when they were watching the _Hunger Games_ , laid out together on the sofa, munching on buttered popcorn and chocolate, the movie gave Liam an idea.

"Why don't we do like them? The real or not real part" had asked Liam, looking at Zayn with uncertainty in his eyes. He was still cautious about approaching Zayn about the past, always afraid of his emotional reaction to the question even if Zayn had told him repeatedly that he didn't mind. He wanted nothing more than to help Liam, whichever way he could. So Zayn had agreed to the idea, and from that point on, everything seemed easier.

At first Liam only inquired on the realness of something when they were actively discussing memories, but as weeks passed, he started asking more randomly. He would be cooking eggs while Zayn drank his coffee in the living room and would pop in to ask if something he had thought of was real or not. He would be at work, and would text Zayn asking the same thing. It became a bit like a game, again easing the process and in time, most things Liam asked about turned out to be real. Rarely did he recall something that wasn't accurate. Quite the contrary, Zayn was amazed by the amount of details Liam could recall.

With time also, the fact that Liam's memory kept coming back made Zayn fall even more desperately in love with the other man. Not because he didn't love Liam as he was, quite the opposite. Zayn fell in love more and more every day, realizing things he never had before the accident, actually taking time to appreciate the little things. But he mostly fell in love more and more so because rather than dwell on the memory loss, Liam would use it to his advantage, trying to recreate little moments of the past to surprise Zayn, like recreating certain dates they had gone on, making the same food, watching the same movie, wearing the same clothes.

Every single time something as such happened, Zayn felt as though a part of him was reborn, revived and ignited. It meant the world to him that Liam took the time to acknowledge such small memories, and rendered them important to their relationship. Every time he would recall one of Zayn's favourite food, he would make it or buy it, coming home with a huge grin on his face, looking like a child that just learned to write and was proudly displaying his new skill. And nothing pleased Zayn more, who couldn't stop himself from kissing Liam for hours, whispering words of love and encouragement.

It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies however. Some days were harder than others, Liam seemingly lost in his own mind, mostly when he woke up from nightmares, seeking out Zayn's body for reassurance and Louis's advice in the morning to appease his mind. The admirable thing about Liam's struggle was his resilience, the way he never complained and found a million different ways to help himself. Both Harry and Andy had become permanent fixtures in their lives despite the distance separating them, the magic of technology allowing Liam to have a strong bond with both his friends.

Yet, to this day there were a few memories Liam couldn't seem to remember no matter how many times they talked about them; their first kiss, their first time and mostly their engagement. Somehow, the events seemed permanently locked away in Liam's mind, maybe forever lost in the chaos war had created.

Zayn knew it shouldn't get to him considering the amount of other things Liam had remembered up to now, including Zayn's hatred of peanut butter chocolate, and the name he had given his teddy bear when he was 5 years old but Zayn couldn't help the uneasiness in his stomach every time he mentioned something about them and Liam hung his head in defeat, still incapable of recalling the events. It made Zayn's skin burn and his heart heavy because he couldn't help but wonder why exactly Liam couldn't recall exactly those moments.

At the back of Zayn's mind there was always an annoying voice invading his thoughts, telling him that maybe Liam's inability to remember such important events was because they never should have happened. Niall on the other hand insisted it was probably just because Liam was hiding a new ring somewhere and didn't want the pressure to recreate the moment when he asked again. That theory had gotten him a slap behind the head and one of Zayn famous glares before they had continued their conversation on a totally different subject, mostly due to the fact that it didn't in any way explain why Liam's mind couldn't remember their first kiss or their first time.

But Zayn couldn't help being bothered by it, even now as he watched Liam and Niall set up their new bedroom furniture, in their new flat, he felt an emptiness in his chest, a gap that couldn't seem to be filled no matter how much Liam remembered, and no matter how amazingly happy they were together. In the end, it made him feel guilty, hating that he couldn't be content with the way things were, always desperately seeking more. Rather than wallow in his own stupid mind, Zayn pushed himself away from the wall, walking towards Liam to help him hold up the next piece of the headboard that needed to be inserted into the base.

"Why did you have to choose something so damn complicated?" complained Niall as he pushed a large piece of dark mahogany wood into the piece he and Liam were now holding up.

"No one asked you to be here," Zayn replied, sticking his tongue out as Niall suddenly let go of the other piece as if saying _oh yeah, you want to do this shit without me._ Instantly Zayn was tumbling to the ground, caught at the last second by a strong hand wrapped around his bicep, keeping him in the air inches from the floor.

Zayn dragged his eyes up towards Liam, smiling shyly. "Nice to know you'd choose me over furniture."

"I'll choose you over anything," Liam replied, pulling Zayn up to his feet, dusting off his shoulders with laughter in his voice. "Even though you're the clumsiest person I know, and considering I'm friends with Harry, that says a lot."

"Good to know," whispered Zayn, leaning forward to press his mouth to Liam's, groaning when he felt the other man's arms wrap around his waist, bringing their bodies together, so close that barely any space could be felt between them.

"Ughh.. I'm still here," Zayn heard Niall whine from the background, the sound of wood being banged against one another tearing him away from the kiss.

"I didn't come here to watch you guys make out while I put your shit together," Niall said, but there was obvious amusement in his voice, his eyes gleaming as he handed another plank of wood to Liam.

"Sorry Niall," Liam mumbled immediately, his cheeks growing a deep shade of red as he rubbed a hand down his neck, obviously embarrassed.

Laughing, Zayn only pushed at Niall's shoulder, in no way embarrassed by the way Liam affected him, knowing his friend was teasing anyways.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

Later than night, after hours of unpacking their things, compromising on what they were keeping and what they were giving away, Zayn settled in the room that was meant to become his office, emptying the last boxes. He sat on the floor with his back to the pale blue wall, his joggers covered in paint as his hair fell into his face, soft from the lack of product. The bass from Liam's music in the living room could be felt through the wall, the noise barely filtering through the flat, only a distinct indication that Zayn wasn't in fact alone.

He started unpacking his books, making piles around himself; the ones he still used, the ones he loved, and also the ones he had barely even open ever since he had graduated. Categorizing them in alphabetical order, Zayn placed them throughout the shelves that longed the wall, then turning to the next box and continuing the process.

By the time he was down to the last box, the room almost felt like his. There were paintings he had made during his college days hanging in the corner, multiple photographs he had taken and framed scattered through his shelves, hiding amongst his books, as though offering pieces of his life.

The only box that was left sat untouched in the middle of the room as Zayn settled in his comfy leather couch at his desk, simply starring at the brown cardboard, big red letters staining the side, indicating that the content was to be treated gently.

He didn't need the indication to know that the box was fragile, knew exactly what it contained, every single thing. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Zayn rolled himself towards the box, opening it carefully, his eyes peering out the door, wondering where exactly Liam was in their new flat.

He wasn't exactly hiding, the door to his office wide open, allowing Liam to come in if he pleased, but Zayn knew Liam had purposely left him to unpack the last few boxes, wanting to give him some personal time.

Reaching into the box, Zayn pulled out the black hoodie that always sat on top of everything else, as though cloaking the rest, protecting it from the world but mostly protecting Zayn from it. Unable to stop himself, Zayn brought the soft, worn out material to his nose, inhaling deeply even though he knew Liam's hoodie had lost the familiar scent to it a long time ago. He remembered doing the same mere months ago, the very same day he had seen Liam for the first time at the café, running home to cry into his souvenirs, the very same box that now lay at his feet.

The differences in his life between then and now were astonishing, Liam's simple presence, their new home, and their love were a testimony to that. Sometimes Zayn wondered why all this had to happen, why Liam had to lose his memory, why he had to grieve a man he loved, why he had to lose himself, and rebuild his strength to end up in the same place he would have seen himself if Liam had never left for the war. But sometimes, in times moments like this one, Zayn knew exactly why they both had to suffer so much, knew that the struggles had given them the opportunity to grow together, to learn things about one another that they never would have in the first place. It made them admire the beauty in the little things, cherish the smallest of memories. In truth, it made their love grow, although differently than the first time, it was still just as beautiful and heartfelt. It was difficult and painful no doubt, but the heart wrenching battle they went through with Liam's memories and nightmares simply brought them closer, made them work on their relationship, it opened their hearts, their minds and their futures in ways Zayn had never even dreamed of.

Smiling to himself, Zayn slipped to the floor, pulling the teddy bear out of the box from their first date, hugging the plush to his chest as he reached for the photographs that lay at the bottom, flipping through them slowly, admiring the beauty of each.

He heard Liam approaching long before he felt the hand caressing his back, but he didn't react or say anything, only leaned into the touch as he continued to look through the images of his past.

"I remember that one," Liam said after a few minutes, now sitting next to Zayn, almost curled around his body, warm and protective.

"You do?" questioned Zayn, turning to face Liam who only grinned in return, his eyes crinkling as his entire faced glowed with happiness.

"We went to the zoo right, and you kept obsessing with the lions."

"I didn't obsess," Zay grumbled, silenced by Liam's lips upon his own, a short sweet kiss exchanged between words before Liam continued.

"We spent about an hour around their enclosure, taking pictures of the lions and you said you wanted one of us, so we asked this little lady to take us and just after she did, you whispered under your breath, _I finally got a picture with my favourite lion_."

"You weren't suppose to here that," Zayn snickered, leaning his head against Liam shoulder, flipping to the next picture, a warm sensation spreading through his chest, his heart beating frantically at Liam's mere presence. Then again, every time Liam remembered something from their past, Zayn went through this adrenaline rush, his own mind reminiscing, as his body shook with excitement.

And so they remained engrossed in their small bubble, sat on the floor of their new flat, limbs slowly intertwined as they went through hundreds of pictures of the life they had together, the life Liam had all but forgotten, but was gradually remembering.

Zayn couldn't help the tears that eventually slid down his cheeks despite the smile on his lips, his heart at peace when Liam brushed them away, kissing his forehead with such delicate attention and sincerity that Zayn shivered, cuddling even closer.

"I still don't recall that last one," Liam sighed as he ran his fingers through Zayn hair, something he did often when he was seeking reassurance, and yet at the same time comforting Zayn's own endeavour.

Zayn blinked a few times, trying to look at the image in his hands through the tears, his throat constricting as he was finally able to make out which photograph Liam was talking about.

"It's ok," he whispered, kissing Liam's jaw tenderly before sliding down his body, pushing Liam down until he was laying on his back, Zayn settling half way over him, his head pressed to the larger man's chest.

Liam stayed silent, his arm wrapped around Zayn thin shoulders, his thumb running small circles into Zayn's arm. Even with his eyes closed, concentrating on the rhythm of Liam's heart, Zayn knew the other man was still starring at the picture, no doubt trying to trigger his memory. They had done so countless times after all, the damn engagement still foreign to Liam no matter the fact that he knew exactly what had happened almost down to every second.

"I don't need you to remember anymore babe," Zayn finally breathed, ghosting his fingertips along Liam's torso, tapping out a small beat over his lover's heart.

"And why's that?" asked Liam, obvious confusion staining his voice, a tension building through his body that slowly settled as Zayn twisted his head up, wrapping his hand at the back of Liam's neck so they could look into each other's eyes, their lips mere inches from touching.

 

 

 

 

"Because, Liam James Payne, I want you to marry me."


	18. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it! Again thank you all so much for your support.

5 years later

 

The heavy sound of the door closing behind Zayn startled him as usual, his breath catching as he glared at the door, turning around slowly, his free hand running through his hair, he adjusted his new bleached hair out of his eyes. He was still getting use to the new cut, insecure about it, not exactly certain if at his age he could pull off the edginess of it all, the sides completely shave with long blond strands at the top, but Liam as always had encouraged him, praising the new look.

Heaving the small boy on his hip up a little higher Zayn made his way into the building, waving at Mary at the reception, laughing when Taj babbled at her, waving his own delicate hand in the air, repeating Zayn's every move. When they moved out of view, walking down the narrow corridor, Taj's hand settled upon Zayn cheek, rubbing against the stubble, the boy's head coming to rest on Zayn's shoulder as he mumbled a string of non-coherent noises.

Zayn couldn't help but sigh at the pressure, a sentiment of pure joy spreading through him as he ran a hand down the boy's back before pushing open the door that lead to the large backyard. It was still early in the afternoon, the sun high in the sky shinning upon them, reflecting off the windows in a cascade of colors that seem to catch Taj's attention.

On the other hand, what caught Zayn's attention was the man standing a few meters away, kneeling with his hands buried deep in the thick fur of a Bernese Mountain dog, murmuring words that Zayn couldn't hear from so far away. He took his time to admire the man, his broad shoulders covered in a simple white t-shirt, his hair pushed back, tattoos littering his arms, making Zayn smile in approval.

"Do you see dada?" Zayn whispered, gazing down at the little boy in his arm who raised his head, the word obviously catching his attention. Instantly, Zayn could see Taj looking around, a huge grin appearing on his face, pushing his chubby cheeks up when he finally spotted Liam. After that he was a goner, wiggling in Zayn's arm, making grabbing hands in Liam's direction as he giggled with excitement.

Taj's squeal of delight evidently drew attention to them, both Liam and the large dog turning in their direction, approaching quickly.

"Babe, what are you doing here?" Liam asked as he reached them, pressing a kiss to Zayn's forehead and then the boy's, his face completely illuminated by the sunlight, looking just as beautiful as ever.

"Taj and I had lunch with Niall and I figured we would stop by to say hello," Zayn replied, handing the little boy over to Liam who accepted easily, holding Taj up in the air before kissing his face repeatedly.

"How's my baby boy," cooed Liam, brushing his noise with Taj's, their smiles mirroring each other as Zayn watched enthralled by the image before him. He could see the similarities so easily, the same amber brown eyes and curve to their noses, the chubby cheeks, and eyes that crinkled with every sincere smile. They were the most adorable pair, a father and a son that shared such an intimate bond.

"He's been mumbling about puppies all day," Zayn added when Liam crouched down with the boy, signalling the huge dog closer.

Taj's eyes grew wide with surprise as the dog approached, stopping a few inches away, leaning into Liam's touch when his palm ran along the dog's back.

"Wanna pet Mila, Taj? She's so pretty, just like you, wanna play with her?"

The boy nodded in amazement, still slightly afraid but allowing Liam to bring his hand over the dog's back, releasing a jubilant squeal when his tiny hand sunk through the thick fur.

Fishing out his phone quickly, Zayn took a quick snap of the moment, smiling shyly when Liam peered up at him, shaking his head.

"You still take so many pictures," Liam whined as he finally sat on the ground, Taj in between his legs with Mila right next to them, allowing herself to be pet by the small excited child.

"I don't want to forget, can you blame me," Zayn grumbled as he sat next to Liam, ghosting his fingers along Taj's arm, needing the touch and constant reassurance that this was in fact real.

"No," echoed Liam, his expression becoming dark as he looked away, an obvious sense of guilt settling between them.

"Don't do it, love," Zayn whispered as he reached out, caressing the back of Liam's neck before leaning in, kissing him deeply. He got lost in the sensation, responding to Liam's sudden need, their lips moving together until Taj's babbling drew them apart.

"It doesn't matter anymore," assured Zayn, brushing his mouth along the top of Taj's head, bathing in the utter beauty that his life had become. "I wouldn't change a thing about our past Liam, or maybe this wouldn't have happened."

It took a moment before Liam answered, but in the end he nodded, a small _yeah_ tumbling from his tongue as he laced their fingers together, the scars that ran along his arm suddenly so apparent.

Zayn knew how much Liam still struggled with the few memories that he had never been able to recall, some aspects of the war, and important moments in their romantic past, but it was true that with time Zayn had come to terms with the fact that some things would never be remembered. And it was true that it didn't matter to him anymore, replacing what could not be remembered with new memories, those of their new life together, of their marriage, their family and their son.

It didn't matter anymore that Liam couldn't remember their first kiss, awkward and uncertain in the middle of the café they both loved, lost in the scent of strawberry jam and croissant that had enveloped them. It didn't matter that Liam couldn't remember spending hours in Zayn's homemade studio, trying desperately to paint the words _marry me_ across a large canvas before Zayn made it home, barely finishing the question mark before Zayn had walked in, dropping his coffee on the entire floor when he had seen the painting, rushing into Liam's arm whispering _yes_ for hours and hours.

That didn't matter anymore, because it also meant Liam didn't have to remember other things, like the hours he had spent in the hospital, the painful skin graft that he had to go through or the horrendous sight of his platoon suffering. Zayn had realized that sacrificing a few of those memories to save Liam from reliving others wasn't such a big price to pay, even more so when they now shared something even more important together, their son.

So rather than wallow in the misery of Liam's amnesia, Zayn had moved on, stopped trying to illuminate the shadows of a chaotic mind and started to appreciate what the world had offered him; a second chance.

Cuddling closer into Liam's side, Zayn watched as Taj crawled away a little, Mila following him closely, rubbing up against him every time the little boy giggled. Nothing brought more joy to Zayn than moments like this one, content with his family, loving when he could visit Liam at work, the service dogs that the other man trained for wounded warriors now a huge aspect of their life. Liam with his golden heart had set up this amazing program, making Zayn so immensely proud of his husband that tried his best to help other veterans deal with the consequences of war, rather than stay hostage to their effects.

Tapping his finger along Liam's knee Zayn allowed his eyes to trail closely after Taj, making sure he was still within safe distance, even though Zayn knew Mila wouldn't let anything happen to the little boy. She was a trained dog after all, sworn into puppy safety school and all that.

Chuckling under his breath, Zayn turned to Liam, unsurprised when he realized Liam had been watching him all along.

"You love me, real or not real," Zayn whispered as he reached out to smooth his hand down Liam's stubbled jaw, beaming at his husband who shook his head laughing.

"Real," answered Liam easily, even though Zayn never questioned that anymore, it was simply something he knew. Something he would always remember.


End file.
